


tessellate

by enter_srodulv



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Coming Out, Complete, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Halloween, Hurt/Comfort, Jealous Lucas, Love Confessions, Lucas has anxiety, Lucas is in the closet, M/M, Medication, Mutual Pining, Pining, Sexual Tension, Sharing a Bed, Social Media, Stargazing, eliott is a proud pansexual, even more cosmic metaphors, filmmaker Eliott, i touch on eliott's bipolar, lots of cosmic metaphors, lucas loves astronomy, polaris - Freeform, rated M for chapter 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2020-11-28 19:49:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 30,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20972105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enter_srodulv/pseuds/enter_srodulv
Summary: If the universe got one thing right, it’s putting Eliott into his life. He has been nothing but sweet and kind, a constant support system in his life when his mother and father couldn’t be. It boggles his mind how lucky he is to have a friend like Eliott but how unlucky he is to have fallen for him. Lucas feels so much gratitude for Eliott’s friendship and support but can’t help feeling guilty for not taking him up on it. What is he supposed to do, ask Eliott for advice on how to go about coming to terms with having a crush on him?or: an AU where Lucas has a crush on his best friend Eliott, and he finds comfort in the stars. (featuring some social media)





	1. I tripped over the moon about you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a few things:  
-this is the longest fic i have ever written and i have the rest planned but not completed yet. i am v proud of this story and cannot wait for u to read, but also v nervous to share. feel free to tell me what you think :)  
-disclaimer: i'm from the us and have no idea how the french education system works so apologies for errors  
-includes social media posts but they are mostly centered around lucas and eliott  
-chapter title from the song 'traveler' by hippo campus
> 
> *potential tw: anxiety attack (during oct 10 - dimanche) please stay safe!
> 
> [masterpost on tumblr here](https://luxandobscurus.tumblr.com/post/615091873580761088/tessellate-elu-chaptered-30k-complete-or)! 
> 
> enjoy!!

Lucas loves Eliott. There’s no doubt about that. He loves Eliott because he is a great friend, his best friend even (Yann doesn’t have to know). The two have known each other since they were young teens; they met when Lucas was 13 and Eliott 14. Although their friendship is of only a few years, it feels as if they have spent a lifetime at each other’s side — like they were destined to be close in their past lives and future ones, too.

**OCT 1 - VENDREDI 21:33**

It’s the second week of autumn and the air feels crisp, almost cold enough to make their breath visible. Lucas and his friends are at a house party like most Friday nights. He is outside on the porch of a classmate’s house leaning against a post supporting the roof above their heads.

“There you are,” says a voice from the tall boy coming through the patio door.

“Here I am,” Lucas replies, corners of his mouth involuntarily turning up in the presence of Eliott. He hands his friend the joint he’s holding after taking a hit himself.

Eliott raises his eyebrows in a thank you gesture, locking eyes with Lucas as he brings the rolled paper to his lips.

Lucas’ knees weaken at the sight, flicking his gaze down to the space between Eliott’s lips. He watches as they close around the joint then part until a cloud obstructs his view.

He takes it back from Eliott, pinching the paper between his thumb and forefinger and repeats the action. He thinks it’s the closest he will ever be to knowing what Eliott’s lips feel like on his. _Wait, why would he think about that? He must be more drunk and/or higher than he thought._

“Lucas, you coming?” Yann yells from across the backyard, where his friends seem to have traveled to sometime after Eliott arrived. One could tell him ten years had passed and he’d believe it.

He spots Arthur and Basile setting up a game of beer pong he promised to participate in earlier that night. It breaks him out of his trance and he nods in Yann’s direction, signaling to Eliott he has to go.

Arthur and Basile somehow beat Yann and Lucas in a best-of-three match. The losing team were ordered to bring snacks from the kitchen, so Yann and Lucas made their way inside.

In their journey Lucas gets roped into hanging out with Chloé, the first year he has been kind of seeing the past two weeks. ‘Seeing’ meaning flirting with and kissing for the first time last Friday.

Lucas has always been good with girls, he knows exactly what to do to get their attention and have them wrapped around his finger in no time. But he isn’t a player by any means; he just tends to lose interest and lets them down easy before things get too serious.

Lucas is busy talking up the brunette in the kitchen when he sees Eliott walk in the patio door. He’s laughing at one of his friend’s jokes, taking a swig of his drink and almost spitting out its contents from laughing. Lucas is so focused on the sweet sound of his laughter filling the house and Eliott’s crinkled eyes in the glow of the party lights that he realizes he missed everything Chloé just said. His stomach fills with an uneasy feeling he can’t quite explain, and immediately swallows the guilt that follows. Here he was being distracted by his friend and not paying attention to the pretty girl right in front of his face.

This is not the first time Lucas has felt this uneasiness in his stomach regarding Eliott. They have been friends for years and tell each other everything; Lucas feels most comfortable and most like himself when Eliott is around. But those unexplainable moments still occur every once in a while.

The first time he felt like this was when the first and second year classes went on a trip to the coast for a beach clean up project. They were on a charter bus to go back to Paris after a long day of walking the shore under the spring sun. He promised Eliott they would sit next to each other since Yann wanted Lucas to sit by him on the way there. When they got on the bus and walked to their seats toward the back, their hands brushed as Lucas’ arm swung back and Eliott’s swung forward. And then not even ten minutes later, Eliott was asleep on his shoulder for the entire three-hour ride home. The look on Eliott’s face as he woke up to the bus coming to a halt is what made his stomach flip. Lucas laid in bed that night trying to understand why he felt like that, all to no avail.

That moment on the bus flashed back in his mind when he was trying to regain focus on Chloé making advances on him. He shakes the memory out of his mind, blaming it on the alcohol and weed he’s consumed tonight, and uses every fiber of his being to give his full attention to Chloé. He looks at her from over the brim of his cup of cheap beer, her green eyes sparkling under the soft orange light of the kitchen. Lucas leans in closer to hear her better because now people are chanting and shouting at someone doing a kegstand in the living room.

Lucas sets his now empty cup on the counter and downs his third shot of the night before coming close to her ear to ask, “Do you want to go somewhere... not as... loud?”

The girl’s lips perk up in a blushing smile as she nods. Lucas takes her hand and she follows him down the hallway to one of the empty guest rooms.

Once inside the room, Lucas makes the first move to put his lips on hers. Chloé brings up her hands to clasp them around Lucas’ neck and he proceeds to kiss her deeper. She starts to plant soft kisses on his cheek then his jaw then one on his neck before Lucas pulls away to shrug his hoodie off. _This is how it’s supposed to go, right?_ She continues down his neck as Lucas begins to unbutton the flowery blouse she has on.

He’s on the last button when the door bursts open. It’s another handsy couple wanting to do exactly what he and Chloé are doing; there’s a guy backpedaling into the room with a girl attached to his lips. Chloé comes up for air from Lucas’ neck to see who dares to interrupt them right now.

Lucas clears his throat and wipes the leftover lip gloss off his lips when the couple stops kissing to look at them. The intruding girl blushes and the guy turns around and — _oh shit_. It’s Eliott, of all people, with his hair even messier than usual (if that is even possible) and his lips bright red and puffy.

Fuck. Not again. A familiar but uncomfortable feeling strikes again - Lucas’ stomach flips for the second or third time that night and he lets out a shaky breath. Eliott turns away from the girl, who he thinks is named Marie, and looks at Lucas’ hoodie on the floor then at Chloé clutching her blouse shut. He smirks at Lucas as if to say, _atta boy, Luc_. It’s unnerving and Lucas doesn’t like it one bit.

Lucas backs away from Chloé and swallows, everyone standing there looking at each other in an awkward silence. Lucas picks up his hoodie and heads straight out of the house.

The following realization hits him at the same time the crisp autumn air does: he is relieved that his makeout session with Chloé was cut short, and he wishes he was the one attached to Eliott’s lips barging into the supposedly empty room.

**OCT 2 - SAMEDI 10:04**

Lucas wakes up with a headache the next morning as the events of last night come rushing back. Lip gloss, shots, hoodie, door, and... Eliott. Eliott’s laugh. Eliott’s lips letting out the smoke. Eliott’s red and puffy lips. Eliott smirking when he sees him with Chloé. Eliott’s lips, again. Fuck.

He turns over in his bed to grab his phone and, as expected, there are a million texts in the gang group chat from last night.

Lucas rolls his eyes and types out a reply that is only half true.

Lucas contemplates the right way to tell them, _no because I don’t actually like girls and I might have a crush on my friend who is a guy haha_. So he settles on:

**OCT 4 - LUNDI 08:20**

Lucas is chatting with the guys in the courtyard at school when he sees Eliott for the first time since the guest room incident.

“Salut,” Eliott greets the whole group then turns to Lucas, “why did you leave so suddenly on Friday? That girl seemed kinda pissed that you left,” he laughs humorlessly at the last part.

Yann and Arthur look at Lucas quizzically, wondering the same thing. Lucas has a constant stomach ache, but this time he knows what it is: anxiety and nerves.

“Oh, I uh...” _was jealous of the girl you were making out with_, “Felt sick and needed some fresh air. Then I just went home,” Lucas answers, internally cursing at himself. The statement was also half true.

“Oh okay,” he pauses, “Marie was glad you left though,” Eliott nudges.

The nudge from Eliott cuts deeper than Lucas expected. The bell rings and everyone goes their separate ways to class.

**15:11**

Lucas remembers he made plans with Eliott to study for French Lit when he walks out of his last class. He dreads it, both studying and being alone with Eliott.

He walks to the library where he said they would meet and sees Eliott waiting for him at a table reading his notes, his fingers grazing his bottom lip like he always does when he’s focused or nervous. Lucas exhales deeply and pulls out a chair across from him. A bright smile blooms on Eliott’s face as he looks up. _Shit_. The pit in his stomach stays the entire afternoon he studies with Eliott.

It subsides when Eliott comes back from the restroom and he notices Lucas gave up on actually studying.

“What are you reading?” Eliott asks as he takes the empty seat across from Lucas.

“Oh, um, just early astronomical theories. Like, before gravity was discovered and they still thought the Earth was the center of the solar system. It’s actually really interesting—” Lucas replies with a smile that is almost audible before he stops.

“You know what, nevermind. It’s stupid. Yann and Arthur basically fall asleep whenever I even start to talk about it,” he adds with a sad smile, tucking his head down.

“Hey,” Eliott says firmly, reaching across the table to rest a hand on his. “If you like it, it’s not stupid.”

Lucas looks up to see Eliott’s gaze fixed on him, burning its way through his skin. He’s never had anyone look at him with such intensity and such care. Lucas hardly ever feels like anyone notices or takes any interest in what he cares about or likes. Sure, he has the gang and the girls, but all of their conversations seem to revolve around who is hooking up with who and when the next party is.

But with Eliott he feels like more than a default option, more than second or third best. It’s comforting and fucking terrifying at the same time.

“I guess,” Lucas shrugs, shifting his hand out of Eliott’s grasp to pick up the book laying flat on the table. “Don’t worry, I won’t bore you with my fascination with the universe,” flicking his eyes back at Eliott for a moment.

“Whatever you say,” Eliott indulges him.

The ping that comes from Eliott’s phone pops the bubble they occupy.

“Shit, I totally forgot, Sofiane wanted me to help him with this fundraiser for the youth center. But text me if you want to hang and talk about the universe some more.”

Lucas looks up to Eliott standing with his backpack on one shoulder, which would normally make him feel small, but he doesn’t.

“Okay, I will,” chuckles Lucas before turning back to the book that sparked the conversation.

“See you tomorrow, Luc,” Eliott says over his shoulder as he walks to the bus stop.

“Yeah, bye, Eli..ott,” Lucas says, the last part a little too quiet and a little too late. After the events of Friday night, Lucas feels like he is not allowed to use that nickname, feels like he lost the privilege to say it or something.

**OCT 5 - MARDI 14:17**

Lucas spots Eliott down the hall talking to one of his teachers and Eliott smiles at him. Lucas is looking right at him but doesn’t do anything to respond and looks away. He looks back at Eliott to see him looking at the floor, a little upset. _Shit. Why didn’t he just smile back? He’s still his best friend, why is he acting so weird?_ Lucas kicks himself and that stomach ache is back.

**OCT 7 - JEUDI 11:46**

Lucas manages to get through the past two days without seeing Eliott at school and, to be honest, he is a bit relieved. He knows that he will just act weird whenever he’s around Eliott again so he’s glad he didn’t have to make it weirder between them.

He couldn’t avoid Chloé though. The universe couldn’t afford him such a luxury; not like they ever do. Chloé taps Lucas’ shoulder, forcing him to turn around and look at her, the sparkle in her eyes missing.

“Hey, Lucas, it’s been a while...” Chloé starts, trying to give him a chance to explain himself for leaving her on Friday, blouse open and all.

“Yeah, sorry about that. I felt sick that night and I’ve been super busy with the bac and stuff,” he explains, and it works, seeing as her face brightened up. He knew the bac thing would work, Chloé is in the year below and has that to look forward to next year.

“Oh, that’s okay... So, do you want to see a movie this weekend or something? There’s this film festival they hold every October on Saturday and I hear it’s really cool,” Chloé suggests excitedly.

The words come out of his mouth before he can think, “Sure, sounds great.”

“Awesome! I’ll see you then,” Chloé adds, giving him a quick kiss on the lips before leaving him in the hallway.

**OCT 8 - VENDREDI 14:42**

Lucas makes his way over to the bus stop and can’t wait to just chill at the coloc after the week he’s had. So much has happened and so much has changed in the last seven days. From constant nauseousness, a new girlfriend, and, _oh yeah_, having feelings for a guy, who happens to be his best friend. On top of that, he hasn’t even hung out with the gang since last Friday and a few days at lunch.

His stomach starts to grumble because he skipped lunch to help Daphné and the girls with the foyer. On his way to the bus stop, Lucas decides to get a snack from the vending machine outside.

He thought he could skate by without another uncomfortable situation, but the universe had other plans. Eliott is standing in front of the vending machine, putting coins in and pushing buttons to get his snack. Eliott turns around to sit on the bench near the curb when he bumps into Lucas.

“Sorry,” Eliott exclaims before realizing who he has collided with. A small smile graces his lips.

It’s like he read Lucas’ mind. Eliott sits and hands him one of the chocolate bars he just purchased, almost as a peace offering - for the collision and for the unspoken weirdness between them lately.

Lucas accepts the chocolate and joins him on the bench. They tear open their bars and start to chew them in silence until Eliott asks what he’s been wanting to for a week now.

“Is everything okay? You’ve been distant and quiet lately.”

Lucas can feel Eliott’s worried and kind eyes on him, waiting for an answer. He makes up another excuse for his behavior, which seems to be second nature these days.

“Yeah I’ve been busy with studying for the bac while trying to find a part time job to pick up the rent that my dad isn’t paying. And I haven’t visited my mom in a while...”

Everything Lucas is saying is true, but it’s not the explanation Eliott is looking for nor the one that actually answers his question.

Eliott finishes the chocolate bar and turns to face Lucas. He gives him a half smile, his eyes warm and understanding. It makes Lucas feel at ease for the first time in a week, like he finally has his friend back.

“If you ever need help with anything you know you can just ask, Luc. That’s what friends are for,” Eliott offers along with an elbow to Lucas’ side, his eyes bright now but still just as warm.

Luc. How can one syllable make his stomach turn? The guilt from before comes rushing back, undeserving of such a nickname.

If the universe got one thing right, it’s putting Eliott into his life. He has been nothing but sweet and kind, a constant support system in his life when his mother and father couldn’t be. It boggles his mind how lucky he is to have a friend like Eliott but how unlucky he is to have fallen for him. Lucas feels so much gratitude for Eliott’s friendship and support but can’t help feeling guilty for not taking him up on it. What is he supposed to do, ask Eliott for advice on how to go about coming to terms with having a crush on him?

The bus pulls up to the curb and Lucas is so lost in thought that Eliott has to grab his arm to get him to hop on the bus.

**OCT 9 - SAMEDI 15:49**

Chloé is wearing a pink dress and the same lip gloss from the party last week. Lucas kisses her quickly and takes her hand as they walk into the huge theatre. Chloé takes a program with the list of films and cast and crew in it, then points to one of the names and decides that is the movie they should see. They sit in the plush red chairs and the lights go down as they settle into their seats, Chloé’s hand still in his.

They are halfway through the movie when Lucas gets up to go to the bathroom. He just can’t keep up the cute romantic act that Chloé wants from him anymore and needs to get out of that packed theatre. Lucas goes to the restroom and feels better instantly, it’s quiet and the air is cooler there. He washes his hands and uses the paper towel to get the sticky lip gloss off of his mouth and cheek where Chloé kissed him randomly during the opening credits.

So much for giving her another shot. Lucas really thought that he could go out with Chloé again and see how cute and beautiful and kind she is, to have those romantic and sexual feelings he knows he should have for her. Lucas looks at himself in the mirror, pressing his lips together in a flat line. He doesn’t know who he is, how to act, or what to do anymore. What happened to the guy that was confident and smooth, what happened to the guy his friends would look to for girl advice, what happened to the Luc who was always Eli’s best friend? Not this again. But this time there’s no stomach ache, no butterflies, nothing. He just feels empty. Like there’s just nothing left of him.

Finally, after what seems to be the longest hour of his life, the lights come up and the credits roll as Chloé turns to him to talk about the ending. Lucas wasn’t paying that much attention to the plot so he doesn’t know what to say, but luckily she’s doing most of the talking anyway. A couple are coming up the aisle to exit the theatre and his heart drops. It’s Eliott, holding hands with another guy.

What is he doing here? _Oh, duh, he’s into film and art and it actually makes sense that Eliott would be here_. But what is he doing here, with _that guy_? Who _is_ this guy? And why is he holding hands with Eliott?

Lucas knows full well that Eliott is pansexual and fully supports him. He’s knows Eliott has been with guys before, but he’s never been in a committed relationship with a guy.

And what happened to Marie? If he’s not with Marie anymore, then does that mean the guest room incident was for nothing? Eliott barging in with Marie, that is. Or, maybe, the whole _Lucas realizing he has a crush on him_ thing.

Seeing Eliott holding hands with a guy makes it even worse. A surge of envy courses through his body and he doesn’t know how to handle it.

Lucas doesn’t think, just leans forward to capture Chloé’s lips with his and doesn’t let them go. He opens his eyes after a few seconds to see Eliott look his way, then shuts them again, in a far too passionate kiss for being in public, to avoid seeing Eliott’s reaction.

Chloé is dumbfounded, but pleasantly surprised and blushing hard when Lucas pulls away. He takes her hand and they walk out of the theatre, feeling so shitty for what he just did. _Why did he do that?_ To prove something to Eliott? To Chloé? To himself?

Of course, the universe is up to their usual scheme; Eliott and his date are chatting in the lobby with one of the program directors in front of a booth for a film school. Lucas can’t help but smile slightly at the fact that Eliott looks so happy to be talking about film school and wishes he could share this moment with him. It has always been one of Eliott’s dreams to make a film.

Chloé says something but Lucas doesn’t hear. Eliott looks around the room and locks eyes with Lucas again, the latter averting his gaze after a minute. The stomach ache is back with a vengeance.

“How about some gelato? I saw a place on my way over here,” Chloé suggests, and kisses Lucas as they exit the festival.

**OCT 10 - DIMANCHE 17:23**

It’s a lazy Sunday at the coloc, Manon and Lisa are watching TV on the couch and Mika is laying on the floor on his phone. Lucas gets up from the chair in the living room to get a glass of water when he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket.

Shit. The last time Lucas studied for French was almost a week ago, with Eliott. _Eliott_. He feels guilty for shutting him out this past week, especially after the bus stop the other day.

Before Lucas could reply, another text pops up and it looks like the universe is packing another punch on this fine Sunday afternoon. He walks into his room before opening it.

_Next time_. If Lucas has to go on another date with Chloé he will actually explode. What excuse could he come up with now? He used to be so good at finessing himself out of too many dates to make sure it doesn’t become anything more than a casual fling. But this isn’t a fling anymore, it’s completely fake, a cover up. He’s using Chloé, and for what? Lucas is not personally getting anything out of it, other than a lot of guilt and anger. And protecting his reputation. _Fuck his reputation_, he can’t handle this anymore. But how the fuck is he supposed to go about doing this? Tell her that he doesn’t like her, or any girl for that matter? Tell the guys that all of his moves to win over girls were an act? Tell Eliott how he feels?

He can’t. It’s all too overwhelming, too scary, too risky. What if Chloé doesn’t take it well? What if his friends don’t want to be around him anymore? What if Eliott doesn’t? What if Eliott hates him? He can’t lose Eliott as a friend. He can’t lose Eliott.

The thought of it forces a full-on anxiety attack. Lucas doesn’t register the fact that he’s crying until a tear falls onto his phone screen with the message from Chloé still open. He tosses his phone aside and climbs into bed and just lets it all out.

Lucas hears commotion in the living room, reminding him of the presence of his roommates, and makes half a mind to silent his sobs only to realize that he physically can’t. So he keeps crying and hopes that his roommates leave him alone, he’s just too embarrassed and too afraid to explain why he’s reduced to tears.

The universe spares him that, at least. It would just be brutal if they didn’t.

**OCT 13 - MERCREDI 13:55**

** **

The gang decides to go to the library after school to cram for the French Literature test they have in two days, and Lucas needs all the help he can get. Imane and Emma join them later, and Lucas gets some tutoring out of Imane. She’s awfully nice to him today and he’s a little suspicious about it. Turns out Manon did hear him sobbing last night and it’s also written all over his face, exhausted and lifeless.

The library seems to be the place to be today. Chloé walks by the boys’ table and Lucas hears her friends whisper and giggle, pushing her towards Lucas. Chloé blushes and stands over Lucas still sitting at the table.

“Hi babe,” she greets him and lowers herself to accept a kiss she expects from Lucas. He indulges her, an awkward second later. She tries to brush off the fact that Lucas didn’t reply to her text and that he didn’t seem all that happy kiss her.

“So, I was thinking.. our next date should be like a romantic walk in the park, or something like that, you know, to talk and spend more time together.”

“Yeah, okay,” Lucas responds unenthusiastically. At this point, he has absolutely no interest in keeping this going any longer. He thinks it will just be easier for her to break things off instead of him.

“How about Friday night?”

“Sure.”

Chloé walks away with her posse, quietly cheering for her. Lucas feels exhausted just thinking about that date. Maybe she won’t be so quick to break things off.

**OCT 15 - VENDREDI 11:41**

Lucas’ biology class just got out and he stops at his locker for one last look at his French notes before going in for the exam. He tries to read as much as he can in the four minutes he has before one of the biggest exams of the year when he gets a text. He wouldn’t have opened it if not for the screen being right next to his notes and noticing who the message is from.

Lucas smiles like an idiot looking at his phone and laughs at the stupid and charming hedgehog meme. Then warmth spreads in his chest at the message that follows.

_The usual_ is code for joints and beers at Eliott’s, and it’s amazing how he can anticipate exactly what Lucas wants and needs without fail.

The bell is about to ring, so Lucas ditches his phone in his locker and heads to the exam. Turns out the messages from Eliott helped more than a few minutes of cramming ever could.

**14:55**

Lucas sees his best friend sitting at the bus stop and waits a moment before joining him. He takes a second to take in the way Eliott’s ears are pinkish-reddish from sitting out in the cold, the way his brows are slightly furrowed as he focuses on reading something on his phone, the small black ink stain on the denim covering his right knee, his exposed ankles.

His heart flutters and he feels blood rushing to his cheeks. But he’ll blame it on the same weather that colored the ears under Eliott’s perfectly messy hair.

Lucas takes a deep breath and slumps down on the cold bench next to the other boy.

“So? Did you ace it?” Eliott asks eagerly, turning to hand him the chocolate bar he was promised.

“Well, I wouldn’t say I aced it, but I think I did okay,” Lucas gives him an open-mouthed smile. “Because I had the hedgehog cheering me on.”

Eliott lets out a laugh, bright and loud, bigger than the one at the house party a few weeks ago. It’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, and Lucas can’t believe that he’s the one who brought it out. Lucas laughs with him and swears his heart grows two sizes larger.

**19:38**

The feeling stays with him all night at Eliott’s. The two boys shared a joint and a few beers each before Eliott wants to take Lucas somewhere. They end up walking down a couple blocks to a secluded area with a park behind a locked gate. It’s dark and cold, but Lucas doesn’t care. Okay, maybe he’s a little scared, and maybe that’s why he stays close to Eliott’s side as they go deeper into the woods.

Eliott leads him down a path to a tunnel under a bridge. They lay down on the hard earth and look up at the night sky. It’s the first time in a long time that Lucas feels completely at ease - no stomach ache, no intrusive thoughts clouding his mind, just at ease.

“This is my place. It’s the best place to look at the stars in all of Paris, the city lights and pollution don’t interfere as much here,” Eliott says, soft and warm, the opposite of the ground they’re laying on.

Eliott reaches into his jacket pocket and fishes out his phone with headphones attached. Lucas watches his face illuminated by his phone’s light and takes the right earbud Eliott offers him. [They listen to a song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSCWv1e7Qss) in comfortable silence until something comes to Lucas’ mind.

“You know, when you look at the stars, you’re actually looking into the past,” he blurts out. “The stars are so far away that the light we see is from, like, a million light years ago. And we’ll never know whether the star has died and become a supernova or if its light is just beginning to reach us.”

He’s quiet for a while, until he continues: “It’s crazy, right? And almost a bit sad, I think.” A pause. “I mean, it’s like an author or artist whose works aren’t appreciated until after they’re dead.”

Eliott opens his mouth to respond, but doesn’t.

Lucas only realizes after how somber his words were, and how he had ruined such a perfect atmosphere with Eliott. His heart sinks and wishes he never said anything.

But, like clockwork, Eliott saves the day.

He shrugs and counters with, “I don’t know... But that’s one way of looking at it.”

Lucas turns his head to face Eliott now, but the latter doesn’t remove his gaze from the maybe-dead stars shining above them. He is stunned by the ease that his friend has coming up with the perfect words to resolve any misstep caused by Lucas. He can almost see the cogs turning in Eliott’s head as he strings those perfect words together, a skill he wishes he could possess.

“Well, the way I figure it, it’s comforting. I mean, with the millions of light years between us and the stars.. Even if we can’t see them, you know they’re still out there,” Eliott adds softly, like it’s a secret you have to be in on to hear.

Lucas subconsciously notes the change between the use of _we_ and _you_ in Eliott’s words and takes in the way his eyes are sparkling from the stars they speak of.

“And yeah, you don’t know when the light is coming, but you know that it will come eventually.”

These words linger in the safe bubble they share before Eliott says firmly, “It always does.”

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (the song they listen to is called 'asking for space' by galaxy fingers)
> 
> thank you so much for reading. more to come!! bisous x
> 
> tumblr: [ luxandobscurus ](https://luxandobscurus.tumblr.com/)


	2. tell me I can keep the door cracked open / to let light through

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He should have known not to let himself fall any harder for his best friend, knowing it wouldn’t end the way he wanted. Because nothing does. Of course, that didn’t stop him - not like anything could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -chapter 2 finally!!!! it's 6.4k words :) thank you all for your patience, for the sweet comments and all the love on this lil fic. i hope you continue to enjoy!!  
-chapter title from the song ‘moving on and getting over’ by john mayer  
**potential TW: signs of anxiety attack/medication (during oct 19 - mardi 18:17 between the asterisks) please stay safe!  


  
  


**OCT 15 - VENDREDI 20:58**

“Which star is your favorite?” Lucas asks quietly. 

Eliott wrinkles his face to think and shrugs like Lucas knew he would. 

“Polaris, the North Star, I think. What about you?” he supplies. 

“I like that one too.” A beat. 

“Polaris is the abbreviation from the Latin phrase Stella Polaris, or The Pole Star. Did you know it’s circumpolar? That’s why we can always see it. It’s always above the horizon. Well, in the Northern Hemisphere, anyway. All other constellations move around it.” The words fall out of Lucas’ mouth without thinking. 

“Sorry. I’m doing it again.”

“Doing what again?” Eliott turns his head to look at Lucas now. 

“You know, getting all nerdy about science.” Lucas averts his gaze and focuses his attention on his own chest.

Eliott doesn’t reply, just smiles and shakes his head fondly — as much as he can in his position on the forest floor. Lucas can’t help but blush for the thousandth time this evening. 

*

Raindrops start to fall slowly as they still lay underneath the night sky. The evening grew colder and damper until the weather forced the two to run back to Eliott’s apartment before they could get hypothermia. 

_ It always does _. Eliott’s words repeat in Lucas’ head. 

Looking at the stars always made him feel small, insignificant. But being with Eliott, Lucas never felt small. He could be exactly as he is, even if he didn’t know what that was. Even though he is still struggling with coming to terms with this new part of him that Eliott had helped him discover, for better or worse, one thing is for sure: he wants to be the person he is with Eliott all the time. 

As nervous as Lucas could be around Eliott, he also finds these strange bursts of courage and confidence with him. When they are walking up the stairs to Eliott’s flat, laughing and shaking the excess rainfall out of their clothes and hair, Lucas feels a sense of courage surge through his bones. 

When Lucas reaches a turn in the staircase he stops and turns, waiting for Eliott who is a few steps behind. Eliott stops mid-step when he sees Lucas standing before him, a head taller than Eliott now. The older boy takes another step, making them the same height. He locks eyes with Lucas, a flash of confusion and curiosity running across his face, waiting for the other to do something or keep walking. 

They just stand there for a second, neither daring to look away. Lucas was unsure of his motive and tries to hold tight to that bout of courage before it fades. He takes the smallest step towards Eliott, leaning closer ever so slightly. 

The all too familiar twist in his stomach creeps up inside. Lucas lifts his hand and runs it through Eliott’s damp hair once, holding it in place at the back of his neck, gripping the hair there. Lucas takes a step down — only one empty step between them now — and lingers for a moment. 

Any courage he thought he had falls by the wayside when he feels the intense stare of Eliott’s curious grey gaze. His heart starts to beat faster and faster and can feel his knees buckle.

_What is he even doing? There’s absolutely no way Eliott feels the same way about him. _Lucas falters, then turns and starts walking up the rest of the stairs to the flat. _Of course he had to ruin another perfect moment._

By the time Lucas opens the apartment door, Eliott just begins to shake himself out of the daze Lucas left behind. When Eliott finally reaches the threshold, he is met with quiet darkness. 

“Lucas...?” he whispers as he wanders around the small living space. He comes up short until he spots Lucas laying on the near side of his bed with his back to the door; Lucas’ damp clothes and shoes are tossed near the foot of his bed.

Eliott moves toward the empty side of the bed and faces Lucas, the latter watches as Eliott shakes off his jacket carelessly then pulls the hoodie over his head. 

The hoodie causes the shirt underneath it to ride up, exposing a sliver of Eliott’s torso directly in Lucas’ line of sight from the mattress, his skin perfectly illuminated by the moonlight creeping in. His heart leaps against his chest and he feels a stinging in his stomach again. Lucas thanks any deity responsible for disrupting Eliott’s view from seeing the enamored look on his face.

Eliott looks at Lucas again while he hunches over and leans to either side to step out of his jeans. Lucas feels his cheeks heat up and quickly looks away before deciding to turn over completely. _ God, he is such a coward. _

Once he rids himself of his clothing, Eliott climbs under the soft and warm covers. Lucas doesn’t move but Eliott can hear his deep breaths. 

A small smile sneaks its way onto Lucas’ lips as he feels Eliott’s fingers softly running up and down his back, wrinkling the thin fabric of his t-shirt. The tickling on his back calms his heart down and eventually allows his body to relax under the touch. 

“So,” Eliott breathes and the hair on Lucas’ neck stands on end.

“Tell me more, about the universe and stuff.”

Maybe it’s the quiet comfort of the room and the fact that he’s turned away from Eliott that gives him the push he needs to speak again. 

“Okay, um,” he starts, voice soft and sleepy, searching his brain for the content he was reading at the library that day with Eliott. 

“Aristotle believed that the reason for the planets’ orbits was due to some force - one that compelled them to move in the way they do.” 

The room is quiet for a moment.

“So, like.. gravity,” the other boy states plainly.

“_ No _ ,” Lucas scoffs through a grin, “Aristotle’s theory was long before Galileo and gravity — when what we knew about the universe was limited to what we _ believed _ in, not what we knew to be true.”

Eliott hums as if to say _ keep going _as his hand continues to trace the landscape of Lucas’ back.

“He thought that objects needed force to put them in motion, whether it be natural or violent. Natural motion implies that celestial objects fall directly towards their natural place in the universe. For example, like, rain falling from the sky or leaves blowing in the wind. Violent motion is when an external force causes this motion - someone or something propels the object to move.”

For some reason, his heart starts to pick up its pace.

As if he could sense it, Eliott stops his movements and instead lays his arm over Lucas’ side.

He responds by rolling over to meet Eliott’s eyes. It’s been too long without them.

Their knees touch at the newfound closeness. Eliott looks at him now, and asks: “Do you believe it?” 

“Believe what?”

Eliott’s arm slowly retreats from its position over the smaller boy’s torso, setting the skin ablaze with a heat that lingers despite its absence. It finds a new home under Eliott’s pillow.

“You know, that things fall toward their place in the universe.” 

Lucas fixes his gaze on his friend and smiles in response, letting his eyes communicate his answer. _ Of course I do. _

They both turn on their sides, laying with their backs to each other. 

It’s only a few minutes before Lucas’ eyelids grow heavy and he drifts into sleep.

*

Later in the night, Lucas rolls over to face Eliott. 

Aglow in the moonlight, Lucas can make out his friend’s features, softened now by sleep. He lets his eyes travel down Eliott’s face using his freckles as a guide — starting with his hair going in every direction, to the long eyelashes against his cheek, down the curve of his nose, to his slightly parted lips. His eyes stay there for just a moment, savoring the sight without a cloud of smoke this time. They then travel further to the shadow of day-old facial hair on his chin and neck, to the collarbones sneaking out of his t-shirt, to the veins on his forearm. 

He notices Eliott’s hand laying with his palm up between their pillows. Lucas brings his hand over it and hesitates, the voice of his mother from his early childhood echoing in his mind, _ look with your eyes, not your hands, _she would say to him at the market. 

He decides to lay his own hand on the sheets next to Eliott’s. Their pinkies touch and he can hear Eliott hum in his sleep. Lucas breathes deeply as he closes his eyes again.

  
  
  


**OCT 16 - SAMEDI 11:29**

Lucas wakes in the same position he was in when he brushed Eliott’s hand, only the hand is missing. 

Sunlight floods the room but Lucas isn’t warmed; he feels a shiver down his spine as a breeze comes through the cracked-open window to his right, a reminder of the absence of the warm body next to him.

He pushes the covers off and gets out of bed to search for Eliott, thinking he is in another room in the apartment. 

He picks up the black sweatshirt that belongs to his friend and puts it over his head, the thick fabric hanging below the hem of his boxers and the sleeves falling past his fingertips. The sight makes his heart flutter.

Lucas walks into the kitchen expecting to see Eliott making coffee, but there is no sign of him. _ Where could he be? _

He decides to make coffee himself, trying not to get too upset about his friend leaving him alone in his apartment. 

Just as he takes his first sip of coffee, Lucas hears the apartment door opening and turns to greet Eliott.

“Hey, there you—oh,” he starts, but is surprised to see someone other than his friend coming inside.

“Oh, good morning, Lucas! Or, almost afternoon,” a woman says, just as surprised as he is. It’s Eliott’s mother, Charlotte, who has been out of town for a few weeks.

Lucas is humiliated by the fact that he’s standing practically half-naked in her son’s sweatshirt, having just woken up to an empty apartment with no idea where her son is, at almost noon. 

“Um, good morning, sorry I— I thought you were Eliott,” he mutters, hanging his head down and shifting the mug in his hands. He steps behind the counter in an attempt to cover his bare legs.

“Don’t worry, love. My last meeting was rescheduled so I thought I would come home early,” Charlotte tells him, voice soft and warm, just like Eliott’s. 

Lucas tries not to dwell on the look she’s giving him, one that says _ I know this sweatshirt is Eliott’s _ and _ I know how you feel about him _.

“Where is he, anyway?” she asks kindly, expecting Lucas to know.

_ Great question, _he thinks. Maybe last night wasn’t as special for Eliott as it was for him. He should have known not to let himself fall any harder for his best friend, knowing it wouldn’t end the way he wanted. Because nothing does. Of course, that didn’t stop him — not like anything could.

A ping comes from the living room and Lucas goes toward it to stall coming up with an answer.

Turns out it came from his phone, stuck beneath the couch cushions where it had been neglected last night. His lock screen is full of notifications but he only scans them for Eliott’s name. 

Nothing. 

“Sorry, I need to get home. I’ll just grab my stuff then get out of your hair. And I don’t know where he is, he must have left before I woke up.” 

He really hopes the sadness and anger he feels isn’t apparent in his voice. 

He makes his way back to Eliott’s room and looks under the bed for the clothes he discarded there last night. They aren’t there. _ What the hell? _

Entering the bathroom, Lucas finds his clothes — dry and neatly folded on the counter — with a pale yellow sticky note on top.

_ Sorry for not telling you, I know you hate waking up alone - I just didn’t want to wake you. Off to work on my applications with a friend. See you soon —E _

And fuck. He wants to take back all the negative things he thought about Eliott this morning and kicks himself for even allowing his brain to think them. There’s not a mean bone in Eliott’s body, he would never leave Lucas without saying something - he knows how much Lucas hates it, the note even says so. Fuck, he really is perfect isn’t he?

After splashing cold water on his face and failing to tame his bed head, he puts his jeans and shoes on but leaves on the hoodie he’s wearing. Eliott has plenty.

“Eliott went to work on some college apps with a friend, by the way,” Lucas tells Charlotte as he cleans out his coffee mug and leaves it to dry on the counter. 

“I’ll leave you alone now, sorry for intruding,” he apologizes with a sheepish smile. 

He must look like an anxious and pathetic idiot to her. How could someone as wonderful as Eliott be friends with someone like him?

“Oh, don’t you worry, love. You are welcome anytime, Lucas,” Charlotte says sincerely, opening her arms for a hug that Lucas accepts. “Anytime.” 

“Okay, um, have a good day, Charlotte,” Lucas says as he pulls away.

“You too.”

  
  
  


**12:22**

As he walks to an open seat on the bus back to the coloc, Lucas reaches into his pocket for his phone and something else falls out of it and onto the platform of the bus.

He bends down to get it; it’s a small, folded up piece of black paper. 

He opens it when he reaches his seat. There is nothing written on it — in fact, the only thing that he notices about it is that light is shining through it, through tiny holes all over.

Lucas takes the paper and holds it up to the bus window to see it better. He recognizes the patterns of the holes—constellations. He can make out the Little Dipper and the North Star at the end of its handle, that hole slightly bigger than the rest.

It makes him think about the most common misconception about the North Star: it’s not significant for its brightness, for it is not the brightest star in the sky. Its value is in its place, its position, its steadiness. 

Eliott must have put this in his pocket sometime between last night and this morning. The thought puts a goofy smile on his face so he takes the paper and brings it up to cover his silly grin. 

Just when he thought he couldn’t love Eliott more, he does things like this. 

After putting the paper back safely inside his pocket, he catches up on the notifications he missed. 

  
  
  


The quote seems familiar, but Lucas can’t place it. He refrains from just Googling the line to see which film it belongs to and trusts that the memory will come back to him on its own.

After closing Instagram he opens his unread messages from the Le Gang group chat but only skims the exchange between Basile and Arthur before seeing the blue six in the left corner.

Six messages from Chloé, all with lots of question marks and ellipses. This can’t be good.

  
  
  


Fuck fuck fuck fuck _ fuck _. He completely forgot he agreed to go on a date at the park with her last night. There’s absolutely no way he is making it out of this alive, if the tone of her texts is any indication of her level of fury.

Lucas knows that what he did was shitty, a total dick move. At this point he’s at a loss; and only the truth will be enough to explain his absence.

Out of utter cowardice, and the lack of any idea of what words he could possibly say, he leaves the conversation with Chloé without a reply. It will probably only make things worse to try to explain himself over iMessage. 

*

The memory comes to him on his way up the stairs to his apartment. The words are from an animated film that he and Eliott watched religiously the winter after they became friends. 

Back then he thought it was cheesy and that they were too old to enjoy a film made for children, then soon realized how special it was to Eliott, and began to love it almost as much as he did.

It had been years since either of them mentioned it but it’s still something that Eliott holds dear. Lucas is glad that Eliott was thinking of it after their night of stargazing and this morning when he posted it. Maybe it was special to him, too, after all.

  
  
  


**OCT 17 - DIMANCHE 13:43**

Manon and Imane are hanging out in the kitchen at the coloc when Lucas enters the room. Imane is doing some math homework and Manon is scrolling through Instagram while sitting on the counter.

“Ah, Lucas,” Manon says without looking up from her phone. “I was planning on making some more desserts later to bring to the foyer tomorrow.”

Lucas takes a seat next to Imane and across from Manon. She looks at him now and continues, “I want to try out a new recipe I found, but I need brown sugar and nutmeg. Would you mind running to the store to grab some?”

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Lucas agrees. He could use some fresh air anyway. “Imane, do you want anything?”

She’s extremely focused on the word problem in her textbook and answers with a shake of her head. Lucas takes his keys and wallet and is out the door.

When he reaches the supermarket down the street, his stomach drops to his feet. Eliott is walking out of a shop next door, laughing and talking with some guy. Lucas’ blood starts to boil at the sound of his friend’s laugh because it is brought out by someone other than him. Upon further consideration, Lucas recognizes the other to be Eliott’s ‘friend’ — the same guy he saw holding hands with Eliott at the film festival. The same ‘friend’ Eliott went to hang out with while Lucas was still sleeping in his bed.

The two seem to be coming closer and closer and Lucas panics; he turns on his heels and swiftly enters the supermarket, finding shelter behind a shelf of cereals. He could swear he saw Eliott look his way and barely escaped making eye contact. _ What the hell is he doing, hiding from his best friend? He needs to get over himself and act like a normal human being. _

Lucas remembers the reason for his trip here and walks away from the cereals, getting a weird look from the girl at the register. 

On his walk back home, confections in hand, Lucas opens the Instagram app to get his mind off of the clusterfuck that was this outing. 

His first thought is how good Eliott looks in the picture, then eventually: _ this fucking guy again. _Lucas makes the mistake of digging deeper into the person Eliott spends all his time with as of late and clicks on the username. 

  
  


...And a few of his posts. 

_ Wait _ . 9th October. That was the day of the film festival, right? And they were holding hands in the theatre... so they _ were _ on a date. 

Awesome. Eliott isn’t just dating a guy, he’s dating a very good looking guy—who goes to École Internationale de Création Audiovisuelle et de Réalisation, a prestigious art school in Paris. 

Lucas can’t help but feel extremely jealous of the guy already; he’s tall, handsome, probably Eliott’s age, not to mention spending more time with him than Lucas. 

How is Lucas supposed to compete with that? He can’t, obviously. 

Brick by brick, Lucas builds a wall around himself and vows not to let anybody in. It’s the only way to protect his heart from being ripped right out of his chest.

*

It’s chaos in the coloc when Lucas returns. Mika and Lisa are back from their weekend away and Emma has joined Manon and Imane in the kitchen. They are singing and dancing along with the radio and almost miss Lucas coming in the door.

Lucas weaves his way to the counter to set down the ingredients he was asked to get then tries to escape the moving bodies and find refuge in his room. 

He is unsuccessful, however; Mika and Emma each grab an arm and pull him towards the speaker blaring a pop song. 

“What’s wrong, _ chaton _?” “Dance with us!” Mika and Emma inquire simultaneously. 

He gives them a sharp look, one that says _ not right now _ and _ please let go _. 

“Merci, Lucas!” Manon rushes over when she sees the sugar and spices in the bag on the kitchen surface. Lucas just nods in reply.

Imane looks him over and no doubt sees right through him. He tries not to dwell on that.

A [ new tune ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhqUMFj51X0) starts playing and Lisa chimes in, “I love this song!”

_ J’ai pas fait semblant, j’te jure _

_ J’ai jamais dit non, j’ai juste _

_ ... _

_ Écoute chérie, j’ai pas le temps _

_ Écoute chérie, je t’ai dit non _

Everyone joins in and sings along. Lucas finally breaks free of their grip as the music takes them away.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**OCT 18 - LUNDI 07:25**

Lucas wakes up to a knock on his door and the sound of a ceramic plate being set on the dresser next to it.

He rubs his eyes until starry patterns appear on his eyelids then stumbles over to see what his roommate has left for him.

The plate has two small pumpkin muffins on it, decorated with frosting in the shape of a smiley face and an L on top. He is so grateful for Manon’s thoughtfulness and impressive baking skills.

**08:24**

Lucas is excited to see Yann as soon as he enters the school gates, clutching his skateboard at his side and greeting Lucas when he sees him. 

They are immediately joined by Basile and Arthur, who seem to be in another stupid debate about the best plan to ask Daphné out.

“I could ask her to go to that Halloween party at Alex’s!” 

“Okay dude, but... isn’t everyone going?” Arthur interjects.

Lucas tunes out their conversation when he sees a familiar head of hair and exposed ankles walk into the science building. 

“Uh...Lulu?” Yann warns. He’s too distracted to notice the guys elbowing his side and the heat of Chloé’s stare as she approaches him.

Thank the gods that before she has the chance to open her mouth and let the expletives fly, the bell rings and forces them to scatter to their classrooms. 

In all honesty, Lucas was not prepared for that discussion, or rather, one-sided screaming match. The guilt and anxiety swirling in his stomach convinces him to reach out and postpone the pending conversation.

He puts his phone back in his pocket and feels the crease of the folded piece of night sky there.

  
  


**OCT 19 - MARDI 16:03**

Lucas finds himself shaking his leg under the small table next to the glass of the gelato shop window as he awaits his soon-to-be ex-girlfriend. He doesn’t want to get gelato yet because what if it melts before she gets here? What if she doesn’t want to try the chocolate hazelnut now that the magic of it is gone? What if she doesn’t intend on staying, or showing up at all? 

Chloé is a little late by now, but then again they never agreed on a specific time to meet. Serves him right, he supposes, having left her waiting all night. 

The night in question replays in his mind and it feels like it was years ago or in an entire different dimension of space and time. Lucas looks out the window to the setting sun and thinks of Eliott’s words, knowing that the stars are out there even when he can’t see them, and that their light is on its way. And that only light can drive out the dark.

The icy breeze that Chloé lets in as she enters the dessert shop snaps him out of his daydream and back to reality.

“Hi,” Lucas says tentatively, “Do you.. Do you want anything?” He reaches for his wallet and walks up to the glass of the chest of flavors.

“I’ll have a hot chocolate, please,” she says to the employee behind the counter instead of Lucas, before sitting opposite the empty chair Lucas was sitting in earlier.

“Make that two,” he adds and places five euros on the counter.

They sit in silence for a minute, the air cold and thick with tension as they look down at their hands holding their cups of cocoa. Lucas gathers all the courage he has and starts to speak.

“About Friday... I went out and forgot my phone and didn’t get a chance to look at it until the next morning,” he starts telling the truth while leaving out the details of his night in the park with Eliott. It’s at this moment that he realizes he was on the date Chloé wanted, just without her and with his best friend. Not that it was a date—because of course it wasn’t.

“...and when I saw your texts I had no fucking idea what I could possibly say so I chickened out and avoided you because I’m an asshole, I know, and I’m so, so sorry, Chloé. You didn’t deserve any of that and—" His rambling is cut off by the one question he wishes he wasn’t being asked.

“Were you... Is there someone else?” Her voice is equal parts shaky and stern, that does not do anything to help Lucas’ queasy stomach.

He doesn’t know how to answer, just fish mouths with wide eyes as he meets her stare. She deflates, looking so broken and Lucas just can’t have that.

“It’s not— it’s not what you think, I swear. I...you have nothing to worry about, really— it’s not mutual. Trust me, there’s no way they feel the same.”

The last part comes out like a pistol. They are definitely not the words of choice to use to make her feel better, but it’s not like he can take them back.

Chloé sits back in her chair, arms crossed on her chest. “Yeah, I know what that’s like.”

  
  


**18:17**

When he rounds the corner to his apartment building, he sees Eliott standing on his skateboard waiting by the entrance. He’s looking down at his phone with his hood up and holding a nameless brown paper bag that Lucas could recognize being from his favorite Thai restaurant in Eliott’s neighborhood. 

Eliott greets him while stashing his phone in the pocket of his hoodie and kicking the edge of his board up with his foot. “Hey, I was just trying to get buzzed in but no one was home.”

“Wh-What are you doing here?” Lucas sniffles and opens the heavy door to the lobby.

Eliott extends an arm to keep the door open as Lucas makes his way inside under it. The arm carrying the food, because the other is holding his skateboard. Even with his hands full, he would open the door for Lucas. What did he ever do to deserve him?

Eliott gives the younger boy a once over, immediately sensing something off about him—more than usual lately. That wall isn’t as effective as Lucas had hoped.

“I just...thought we could hang. And make it up to you for leaving on Saturday.” He raises the bag containing Lucas’ favorite meal. “Sorry I haven’t reached out, I’ve just been super busy with this project I’m working on.”

Lucas always welcomes Eliott by his side, but really wishes it could be at any other time than right now. He’s just had his heart obliterated by the meeting with Chloé and he can’t handle playing defense anymore tonight.

**

Eliott lays out the boxes of noodles with napkins and sodas on the coffee table in the living room. They eat in bouts of silence, Lucas avoiding any of his friend’s attempts at furthering the conversation and Eliott afraid to push too far. 

Lucas takes their empty containers to the kitchen and escapes to the bathroom down the hall. He looks at his reflection and studies his tired eyes and downturned lips, finally letting the masks he wears fall away in the comfort of his home. It’s getting exhausting juggling them all. Constant anxiety is not only emotionally draining, but takes a toll on the body, too.

He’s taken back to the date with Chloé at the film festival but, unlike the theatre’s men’s room, the air in his tiny bathroom is not giving him the space to breathe. 

His brain begins to spiral, losing control of the nature of his thoughts as they flood in mercilessly. _Chloé_ _hates you, and she should, for leading her on while pining after someone else. Like you said, it’s not mutual. Why would he even like you anyway? You’re just friends, and you’re not being a good one lately. When was the last time you asked how he was? Or talked about anything other than you? You’re so selfish. You don’t deserve him._

There’s a twinge of pain deep in his throat as he tears his eyes away from the mirror. He opens the medicine cabinet to his left and takes out the small orange bottle with his name on it. It was prescribed last year when he kept having anxiety attacks in order to prevent future ones from happening or getting too bad. It’s been months since he’s felt the need to reach for it, and most times he manages to convince himself against taking it. Something about giving up control to both his mind and body makes him even more nervous sometimes, as if surrendering to the numbness is in itself scarier than feeling his feelings in any way they come. It is nice to know it’s there, just in case.

This time though, he’s afraid of the thoughts that might come if he doesn’t just take it now. The cap opens with a _ pop _and he shakes a small white tablet into his open palm. He ducks his head under the tap and swallows the pill and water with a gulp.

**

Lucas comes back into his room when he hears the springs on his mattress compressing and decompressing, come to find the tall, giggly boy he loves jumping on it like that one night in Eliott’s old house. Eliott almost has to hunch over while jumping as to not hit his head on the ceiling.

It brings back memories of the two still getting to know each other and navigating their new adolescence together.

One is from the summer between their birthdays, when Eliott had just turned 16 and Lucas was still 14. Eliott was having mood swings and depressive episodes and would soon be diagnosed with bipolar disorder. 

A few months before he was diagnosed, Eliott was having one of those days. Lucas tried his best to cheer him up, so he stood on the bed and started jumping, telling him, “Don’t be sad, Eli!” in an innocent voice full of love and care - too young and naïve to know that Eliott couldn’t actually turn off his sadness at the words.

Eliott knew this, and cracked a smile then reluctantly started jumping on the bed with Lucas before they both broke out into giggles and eventually stopped jumping and crashed back onto the mattress, chests heaving as they tried to catch their breath again.

Lucas feels his chest ache and swell simultaneously at the juxtaposition of their past and current selves. If only it were that easy, to join him and laugh the sadness away. 

He gives Eliott a sad smile and glues his eyes to the floor below his feet, still standing in the doorway.

Eliott stops jumping and steps down from the bed. He crosses the room slowly and carefully, as to give Lucas a chance to push him away, but he doesn’t.

Lucas’ eyes welled with tears now, on the brink of spilling over. Eliott gently holds his face between his hands to lift Lucas’ gaze up to meet his. Lucas’ head is no longer hanging, but his eyes are still looking at the carpet where they stand barefoot.

“Hey,” Eliott whispers gently, waiting for those big blue eyes. He continues when he sees them, glossy from tears and under a crinkle between his brows. 

“What’s going on? You can tell me, Luc.”

The last sentence is what breaks the dam — Lucas breaks out into sobs and tears run down his cheeks. Eliott doesn’t ask again, just holds him tight and rubs his back soothingly with one hand and holds Lucas’ head to his chest with the other, resting his face in the smaller boy’s hair. 

“I can’t—I can’t do this anymore, Eli, I just can’t—“ Lucas cries into his friend’s chest.

“Can’t what?” 

“Chloé... I can’t— I don’t like her in that way and I can’t fucking pretend anymore,” he cries again, words muffled by sobs and the body pressed against him. 

“That’s okay, Luc. It’s okay,” Eliott holds him tighter; Lucas grabs a fistful of the fabric of his shirt.

“No, it’s... well I—“ Lucas starts, before shifting out of Eliott’s hold and makes his way towards his bed. 

Eliott follows; they lay down and go back to their positions from the doorway, Lucas laying against Eliott’s chest with arms wrapped around him. Eliott waits for him to continue once he’s calmed down some. 

“I just don’t think—“

That wall he built around his heart now has a few bricks loose. One touch and they’ll fall, leaving his heart vulnerable behind it. 

The look Eliott has in his eyes now is so sweet and endearing, looking at Lucas like anything that hurts him hurts Eliott twice as much. That look is what makes the bricks give way, or perhaps reach the window marked ‘break glass in case of emergency’ that shatters under his stare.

He needs to just say it so it will stop hurting so bad. He thinks he can do this; he can do this because Eliott is holding him like everything will be okay. 

“It’s not just Chloé, I don’t think I fucking like girls.” Lucas confesses and sucks in a breath. 

Eliott hugs him, then returns his hands to Lucas’ face to meet their eyes again. When the younger one finally looks up, Eliott wipes the tears—new and old—from his cheeks. 

That wall never stood a chance, and neither did his heart, against the boy who already held it in his hands.

He’ll build another tomorrow, this time without the emergency glass.

Lucas feels the numbness settle in, crawl into his brain and swim through his veins. He senses a deep sleep coming that he has been longing for for weeks and welcomes it when it comes.

He doesn’t know—or want to know—what he would do without Eliott here, right now. Or at all.

They stay like this until they both fall asleep, under the light of the full moon shining through the window. 

**OCT 20 - MERCREDI 07:24**

Lucas feels something moving in his hair, come to find out it’s just Eliott playing with the strands. He’s laying on Eliott’s chest and looks up at his friend still half-asleep, immediately reminding him of that feeling on the bus on that field trip. 

“Good morning. Sleep well, Aristotle's protégé?” Eliott jokes, looking far too lively and beautiful this early in the morning. Lucas loves it as much as he hates it.

“Ugh, shut up,” Lucas groans into Eliott’s chest and decides he could stay there forever. 

*

They are greeted by Manon and Mika in the kitchen and Lucas is too exhausted to eat, but takes the cup of coffee from Manon and sips. 

From his seat at the table, he can see Eliott reach up to get the cereal box down from the top cupboard. He definitely does not focus on his backside and definitely does not feel affected by it. And when Eliott sits across from him at the table and milk from the spoon starts to drip after taking a bite, he remains absolutely calm, definitely _ not _feeling blood rush south.

**OCT 22 - VENDREDI 21:37**

The flashing lights dancing across the walls of Alex’s apartment and the loud thump of the bass to whatever terrible song is blasting makes Lucas’ headache worse than it already was. The song is worse than all the songs of Eliott’s weird EDM/dubstep playlists. 

_Eliott_. Lucas wishes he was here, or rather, he was with Eliott anywhere else.

He’s had a few beers and is now nursing his second glass of a concoction of Emma’s creation, a combination of unknown liquids that are probably all alcoholic. The room is starting to spin and his head is pounding. His phone is resting on the couch cushion next to his leg and lights up with a notification.

  
  


Is this the project he’s working on?

  
  
  
  


On instinct Lucas opens his messages with Eliott and is this close to pouring his heart out. He starts to type but then the speakers and the lights and the alcohol feel too much that he can’t continue.

“Ça va, Lucas?” Yann is standing in front of Lucas looking down at his phone screen, waiting for his friend to respond before shaking his shoulders to get his attention. 

“Huh?”

“I said, what’s up dude?” Yann takes a seat next to him.

“Eliott is working on some project with some guy who was holding hands with him the other day and happens to look like a fucking runway model, I mean, so does Eliott, but like what the fuck? How the hell am I supposed to compete with _ that _? He’s probably on a date with him right now and I’m sitting here drunk off my ass like a fucking loser.” Lucas’ voice comes out wet and bitter. 

Yann looks at him with furrowed brows before relaxing again. He takes the mystery drink out of Lucas’ hand and places it on the coffee table before them; he grabs the phone out of the other and pockets it. “Yeah, you are. Drunk, I mean. Let’s get you home.” 

Lucas lets his limbs go numb and gets pulled off the couch and out the door by his best friend, the one he’s not in love with.

He doesn’t know that his phone screen in Yann’s pocket is still on.

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -yes i used pics of rocco as eliott’s date but he is an original character - not portraying himself or niccolo. just used him for the pics bc it was convenient!!  
-eliott’s (and lucas') ig post is of jack frost’s dialogue from the movie ‘rise of the guardians’ :)  
-come chat on [tumblr](https://luxandobscurus.tumblr.com/) ! bisous x


	3. toe to toe, back to back, let’s go / my love, it’s very late / ‘til morning comes / let’s tessellate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That line has thickened now - blurred, maybe. It has become more of a grey area, a no man’s land; it’s muddy and unclear where one side ends and the other begins. And, like most things, the only way out is through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -so uh i know it’s new year's eve (and the s5 trailer JUST DROPPED WTF) but in this universe it’s halloween!!  
-chapter title from [ ‘tessellate’ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qg6BwvDcANg&list=PLLFBEGPiMBa5vYxUKkRJ1KpcQH4rL6v0m&index=3) by alt-j ;) this whole fic is inspired by it, mostly the Vibe and the tempo but the lyrics too!!  
-enjoy 5.4k of some kinda mutual pining muahaha

** **

**OCT 23 - SAMEDI 13:23**

Newton’s Third Law states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Lucas feels last night’s actions reacting with his head and stomach right now. 

The afternoon sun is entirely too bright for his tired eyes so he shields them with a forearm over his head. If he was at home, his curtains would have been drawn to block out the blinding intruder. Yann’s, however, are wide open. 

Lucas groans and thinks he’s going to be sick. 

“Ah, you’re awake.” Yann enters with a glass of water in one hand and a bottle of ibuprofen in the other.

Lucas sits up with his legs criss-crossed with his back facing the window and downs two tablets with the entire glass. 

“So...” Yann starts hesitantly, “What’s with you and Eliott?” 

Lucas nearly coughs up the water. “What do you mean, _ me and Eliott _?”

“I dunno... It’s just that you seemed pretty upset last night, wanna talk about it?” Yann joins him and sits at the edge of the mattress.

Lately, the masks have become too much to handle; and maybe the drinks Emma poured last night had something to do with letting them fall and eventually spilling his guts to Yann about being lovesick over Eliott. 

He hasn’t said anything to Yann about liking guys—or rather, not liking girls— but Lucas had a feeling that somehow Yann just knew. They had been inseparable since birth, practically, and if anyone were to know, Yann would.

Lucas buries his face in his hands and hunches over to rest his elbows on his knees. A distant voice in his head says _ sit up, boy _and he shakes his head at his father’s disapproval.

“He’s been hanging out with that fucking _ Adriano _guy and, I don’t know, I guess I’m just...”

“Jealous?” Yann interjects, but his voice and eyes are understanding like always.

Is it that obvious?

Lucas opens his mouth to respond with a sassy _ no, _but realizes there’s no use, and lays back against the mattress. They coexist for a while until Yann talks again.

“Why don’t you just tell him how you feel?”

Lucas huffs. He stares up at the ceiling and can see the lines of the window’s shadow against the white surface.

“Because, then it would—” It would ruin their friendship, ruin his life, ruin everything; it would upset the celestial paths and cause an imbalance in the universe that would catapult Earth straight into the blazing sun.

Arthur enters the room. 

“Yo, are we still going or what?” He asks, facing Yann. Lucas is too tired to care or ask where they’re going.

*

  
  


They end up walking to McDonald's a few blocks away — _nothing cures a hangover like a Big Mac _, Arthur says. 

When they’re done eating, Lucas decides to go back home and the other two go to the skate park. His phone is dead so he has no choice but to listen to the screeching wheels of the bus and someone on the phone across from him. He starts to think about Eliott again and it only makes his head hurt more. 

It’s always something, Lucas thinks. Like without the constant renewal of icy rock and space debris, Saturn wouldn’t have its rings. 

  
  


**OCT 24 - DIMANCHE 16:54**

  
  
  
  


**17:31**

Eliott opens the door just as Lucas raises a fist to knock. 

“Hey.”

“Hi.” Lucas can feel his friend’s eyes rake over his face and down his torso at the black coat he’s wearing.

“I actually think it’s you who would be the runway model in this friendship.”

“The—what?” Lucas’ brain is short-circuiting at the compliment.

“Nevermind. Are you feeling better?”

Lucas gives him a look and Eliott adds, “I saw Yann and Arthur at the skate park yesterday. They said you were battling a nasty hangover.” Eliott opens the door wider and rests his head on the edge of it.

“Oh, right, yeah. Yes, better.” He knows Yann would never, but Lucas really hopes he didn’t hint at anything that would give away his reasons for drinking so much to Eliott. 

They linger in the entryway before Lucas can’t stand it anymore; he sheds his coat then plops down on the couch.

*

It’s another night with _ the usual _ and it’s Eliott’s turn to pick the music. _ No dubstep though, _ Lucas pleaded; _ you’ll like it, promise, _Eliott replied.

Eliott gets up from the couch and makes his way to the tall bookcase on the other side of the small living room. He thumbs through a few records sitting on a shelf before finding what he’s looking for. Lucas is taking the last hit of their shared joint as Eliott takes the vinyl out of its cover and places it on the record player. He drops the needle onto the record as it starts to spin clockwise. 

Lucas watches as he adjusts the volume and notices the beautiful backdrop of fading blues through the window; it’s not quite night but it isn’t day anymore. The stars aren’t out yet, but he can spot a small shining light he assumes is Venus in the distance. 

[ The song ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6Bs8hTcbzY) starts right away.

_ True love will find you in the end _

_ You’ll find out just who was your friend_

Lucas recognizes the lyrics, but this is a different version of the song. It’s more upbeat than the original he knows.

Eliott sways to the song then extends a hand to Lucas to get up and dance with him. Lucas sets his empty bottle on the table in front of him and takes his hand, then starts to dance along as the record continues to spin. It’s easy to get into the groove of.

_ Don’t be sad, I know you will _

_ But don’t give up until _

_ True love will find you in the end _

They move around the room, stuck in their own worlds and navigating the small space, minds slightly foggy from the weed and beer.

_ This is a promise with a catch _

_ Only if you’re looking, can it find you _

Eliott shakes his hips and nods along with the guitar. A smile starts to bloom on Lucas’ face, one that is only conjured by and reserved for Eliott. He continues to sway until he realizes that, suddenly, they are close enough to count each other’s eyelashes. 

_ ‘Cause true love is searching too _

_ But how can it recognize you? _

_ Unless you step out into _

_ The light, the light, the light, the light _

Lucas feels a hand on his waist. A guitar solo fills the room from the speakers connected to the turntable.

Now, he could be seeing things, but it looks an awful lot like Eliott is staring at his lips. And he can’t help but do the same, as much as he knows he shouldn’t. Maybe coming here was a bad idea. Maybe he shouldn’t have finished off that joint or had that third beer. 

_ True love will always find you _

_ True love will find you in the end _

The song fades out and is replaced with scratches the needle is making into the end of the record before it stops spinning. It’s the only sound in the room other than Lucas’ heart pounding and blood rushing in his ears. 

Eliott removes the hand on his waist and Lucas wants nothing more than to reach out and guide it back. The taller boy raises his hand and rakes it through Lucas’ hair once, moving it slowly until it stops at the nape of his neck. Lucas looks up at his friend with doe eyes, laced with want and a glimmer of hope. Eliott meets them with a glint of pride as he pulls at a few hairs on Lucas’ head and smirks. This is the closest they have ever been, Lucas’ brain supplies. 

What are they doing? Eliott has a boyfriend. He can’t kiss his best friend and ruin his relationship — between Eliott and the handsome film student, and between Eliott and himself.

But there is no denying the electricity in the air, and he _ wants _. 

Elliot comes closer and the air turns to molasses — slowing their movements and making the otherwise invisible space thick and tangible. Lucas feels his feet betray him as he stumbles backward, slowly increasing the distance between them until his back hits the windowsill. A breath gets caught in his throat at the collision and he grips the wooden ledge to regain his balance.

He lets out the breath he’s holding when he hears the door open behind Eliott, and his friend’s parents make their way inside. 

Perhaps he’s relieved they didn’t cross that line, or maybe he feels like a coward for not meeting Eliott’s advances.

Lucas walks over to the entryway to greet the Demaurys. 

“Bonsoir, Charlotte, Benoît, um, I was just—” Lucas points to the door as if to say _ I have to go now _, glancing back to Eliott, who looks like he has just received bad news.

“—Going to stay for dinner, right Lucas?” his friend interjects from the living room, placing the vinyl back in its cover. Of course Eliott wouldn’t let him off the hook.

Lucas holds back an eye roll and has no choice but to agree. “Right,” he says, dragging out the word.

*

Dinner was delicious, thankfully, because Lucas kept himself busy with food to avoid conversation. Plus it had been a while since he’d had a nice home-cooked meal.

Lucas begins rinsing his plate like the polite houseguest his mother raised him to be; Eliott brings more dishes over from the table, coming dangerously close that Lucas is afraid he might drop Mrs. Demaury’s china to its demise.

“You know, you can stay the night,” Eliott barely whispers, “if-if you want.”

And of course he wants to. But—

Lucas takes the empty bowl from his hands. “I uh, should get back home. Imane will murder me if I don’t come prepared for Bio,” he lies — about his need to get home, not Imane’s ability to kill him.

“Okay, yeah,” Eliott replies, head hanging.

When Lucas finally reaches his apartment, he shuts his bedroom door and slumps down to the floor.

  
  


**OCT 25 - LUNDI 15:46**

They are standing next to each other outside the school in the afternoon, the sun in a position such that Lucas is blinded by its harsh rays. He squints one eye to avoid any further discomfort. Eliott registers this and immediately moves to stand in front of Lucas to block the light, towering over him. 

“So where are you off to now?” Lucas is no longer squinting, but looking up at the taller boy, grinning at the kind gesture while looking into his eyes to thank him.

The harsh light from before has transformed into a glowing aura around the edges of Eliott’s silhouette, as if Eliott is eclipsing the sun and wearing it as a crown. The corona is mimicking a halo around his head, which is quite fitting if you ask Lucas.

“I, uh, I’m almost done with the last part of my portfolio for my applications so I was going to go back to the studio later,” Eliott answers throwing a thumb over his shoulder to indicate the direction of the studio.

Lucas hears an echo of his thoughts before his bathroom mirror, reminding him not to make everything about himself and try to be the friend Eliott is to him.

“_ Ah, ouais? _ How’s that going?”

Eliott fiddles with the strap of his backpack and starts to smile. 

“It’s going well, I think. But it’s a little intimidating, the school... I feel like I don’t quite belong there yet because I still don’t really know what the fuck I’m doing,” he laughs, that beautiful laugh — the one that makes his eyes crinkle at the corners. 

“But it’s cool. Adriano has helped me a lot, he even set me up with some animators at the school and they let me use their studio sometimes.”

And there it is. Lucas hasn’t even met the guy but can’t help the boiling of his blood at the mention of him.

Lucas lets his envy get the best of him and retreats from Eliott’s shadow. They start moving towards the bus stop, Lucas scuffing his sneakers on the concrete as he walks.

“Hey, Lucas—” Eliott starts, but the bus pulls up and Lucas gets on without letting him finish.

  
  
  


**OCT 27 - MERCREDI 11:09**

“What are you doing in the science section?” Lucas asks instead of a greeting when he sees Eliott scanning the shelves, in the corner of the library he would least expect to find him.

In typical Eliott fashion, he shrugs. “Research,” is all he says for an answer, ominous yet nonchalant and so _ Eliott _.

“Ah,” Lucas nods. “I thought math and science weren’t your thing?”

Eliott looks at him with the same eyes as their last time in the library—like he can see past the shell his body makes for his soul. Something changes on Eliott’s face, so subtly and quickly that anyone other than Lucas wouldn’t even notice. He shakes himself out of whatever it was and picks up their friendly banter again. 

“And I thought Literature wasn’t your thing,” Eliott points to the novel in Lucas’ hands. 

It’s not. Lucas likes the certainty of mathematics and science, likes that there are formulas and theorems that prove the existence of what we know of our world. Geometry is one of his favorite subjects because when solving proofs you simply state why something must be true. Science is a little different, but at least the scientific method requires hypotheses that can be tested to be plausible or not. Literature has always been a tough subject for him because it’s not so black and white. He always struggled with stringing his thoughts into words; he thought it was unfair to be graded on his writing because it seems to be more of a subjective decision that varies from person to person.

He could say all that as his rebuttal, but decides against it, for it would definitely earn an argument about the beauty of storytelling and symbolism with a cute but offended _ how could you say that! _ or something from Eliott. So this time it’s Lucas who shrugs, turning shy again. 

“I can have more than one thing.” 

Eliott chuckles and tucks his head into his chest. Lucas wants to put his hand under his chin, lift his head back up and let him laugh so that he can see it; he looks so beautiful when he laughs. 

As his friend starts to walk away from him and across the aisle to another section of books, the door to the side entrance opens and lets in the chilly October air. Lucas looks through the almost empty bookshelf to see Chloé walking in with her friends, feeling his stomach drop and his throat tighten at the thought of their last interaction.

“Shit.” Lucas mumbles and, without thinking, follows Eliott to the new bookshelves and pulls him down by the shoulders so they are awkwardly crouching down near the carpet of the library floor. They’re about the same height like this—it’s Eliott’s long legs that contribute to his tallness. 

“What are you—” Eliott hisses before Lucas moves his hand to cover his mouth with a _ shhh! _to prevent Chloé from hearing. 

_ He really is a coward. _

When her posse has moved through the building and out of sight, Lucas explains, realizing just how fucking stupid it is to be hiding in the library from a girl. “Sorry. Chloé was walking by and—”

Eliott wraps a hand around Lucas’ wrist, the hand that is still covering his mouth, and lowers it. 

“It’s okay. Just scared me for a second.” 

Eliott takes the other boy’s hand and moves it over his chest where Lucas can feel Eliott’s heart beating on its way back to its normal pace. He just stares at their hands, and at Eliott’s heart, where no wall is guarding it from being open and vulnerable under his touch. At the back of his mind is the knowledge that a tattoo marks the skin underneath and feels the back of his own neck heat up.

Since that night at Eliott’s, they have been dancing around the line between friends and...more than friends? Well, he doesn’t know. 

That line has thickened now — blurred, maybe. It has become more of a grey area, a no man’s land; it’s muddy and unclear where one ends and the other begins. And, like most things, the only way out is through. How? He has no fucking clue.

**OCT 28 - JEUDI 18:08**

** **

And now Lucas’ heart rate is through the goddamn roof. It’s not every day that his friends send him pictures like this under the guise of teasing for Halloween — let alone the friend being as breathtaking as Eliott. If these ‘hints’ indicate that he will be shirtless and with a snake, there will definitely be a reason the holiday is called the Day of the Dead.

Lucas is in the middle of eating dinner with Mika and Manon and the cheekbones and shoulders on his phone screen make him shift in his chair.

  
  


**OCT 29 - VENDREDI 14:45**

Lucas and Eliott stop at a cafe for coffee and Eliott walks Lucas home before heading to the studio again. 

“So will I ever get to see this secret project you’re working on?”

“Yes, but only when it’s finished!” Eliott says with an elbow to his side. He looks down at his phone then continues, “Speaking of which, I should get going. Adriano’s girlfriend Camille got us some cool equipment to borrow. See you Sunday right?”

And. It’s a lot to process, everything Eliott just said. From the teasing jab to his ribs that felt like something more, to the adorable pitch of his voice when he did, to the wave of disappointment and jealousy when Eliott mentioned he had to go. And then, Adriano’s girlfriend. _ Girlfriend _. But he thought—wait. If Adriano has a girlfriend, then that means... Eliott isn’t dating him? A strange combination of relief and fear washes over him. 

“Right?” Eliott asks again, Lucas was too caught up in the revelation that Eliott was not dating a cool, artistic older guy to answer.

He forgets the question, has to use all of his brain power to push down the thoughts of Eliott being single and backtrack to find the missing pieces of their conversation. Sunday. What was Sunday?

Apparently he said the last part out loud, because he gets another poke to the side and a “Halloween!” from Eliott, and it’s completely worth it for the blinding smile that comes with it.

The door opens then, from the inside—it’s Mika with an amused look on his face. 

“I thought I heard you, _chaton_!” says his roommate, looking from Lucas to Eliott and back again.

“Oh yeah, Halloween. See you then,” Lucas mutters as Eliott starts to backpedal from the door and towards the stairs.

“Bye Mika, bye Luc,” he leaves, the second goodbye softer and sweeter than the first.

It feels like something is moving inside of Lucas’ chest, something fluttering and filling every crevice inside.

Lucas enters the apartment and Mika shuts the door behind him, with hands behind his back and leaning against it. When Lucas looks back at him, he is met with a slanted grin with a mischievous lilt to it. _ Here we go _, Lucas thinks.

“So...Lucas. That handsome friend of yours, is he, you know, available?” Mika asks completely unashamed, as can be expected. He knows Eliott’s name and has seen him around quite often, but still acts like he’s this other entity that cannot be touched. Lucas gets it, but also doesn’t. Eliott is so warm and welcoming that it’s a shame to think of him as anything less than what he is.

“Mika—” he replies with a sigh, then feels Mika coming extremely close and begging for an answer. “No, I mean— yes. I don’t know. It’s none of your business whether he is or not.” He thinks about saying _ why don’t you ask him, instead of me? _but doesn’t want his flatmate flirting with his friend. Yeah, his friend. Well, that line—or lack thereof— is making everything so confusing.

That fluttering feeling is heavier now, twisting in his stomach and has turned from exciting to uncomfortable. Was Eliott even available? Why did he say no at first? 

Lucas swiftly walks through the kitchen and into his room before Mika can say another word.

  
  


**OCT 31 - DIMANCHE 20:27**

  
  
  


The party is just like any other, only everyone is dressed up in costumes and seem to be drinking more than usual. Lucas came with Yann and met the other guys there.

“Lucas, what are you supposed to be?” asks Basile, decked out in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle onesie.

“Let me guess...yourself, in 20 years?” says James Bond, or Arthur.

“Ha ha,” Lucas rolls his eyes and makes his way to the kitchen for a drink.

There’s some sort of mysterious red liquid in a punch bowl, and Lucas makes a face in disgust, trying not to relive last Friday night. He takes a plastic cup starts pouring from the nearest bottle when a familiar voice rings in his ears. 

“_ Expelliarmus! _”

Lucas turns around and is met with a thin blunt object he would soon recognize as a magic wand, the pointed end of it resting on his sternum. The wizard holding it is someone he doesn’t recognize—at least not at first. The dark hair and hooded cape make it hard to discern their identity, but Lucas could pick out that smile and those eyes anywhere.

“Is that a magic spell to make this actually consumable?” Lucas points to the bowl of punch.

Eliott grins and looks past Lucas to the concoction then back to him, with a quick raise of his eyebrows. Lucas can’t seem to take his eyes off of him; his piercing blue-grey eyes are even more intense under his sharp black eyebrows and in contrast to his fair skin. 

After stashing the wand in the pocket of his robe and taking down the black hood from his head, Eliott reaches an arm past Lucas to go for the same bottle he was just pouring to refill his own glass. Their proximity forces Lucas to hold his breath for a moment, and when he inhales deeply again, he gets a whiff of Eliott’s cologne. 

He’s overstimulated by the blaring music and flashing lights and the presence of Eliott as a whole—along with the mixed memories of the past few parties that have wreaked havoc on his sense of self— that Lucas has to mutter, “I need some air” before making a beeline for the door.

His brain begins to spiral, going a million miles a minute and blocking any rationale from peering through. The night is bitter and cold; the night is extra dark from lack of street lights and only a sliver of the moon is low in the sky. 

It’s calming for him, clearing his mind of any unwanted stimuli and focusing on the tingle of his exposed skin to the crisp air. It’s a sort of coping mechanism, a relaxation exercise; his mother taught him when everything feels like too much - to focus on the physical senses and name what you can taste, touch, smell, see, and hear. He can see a storefront across the street with a red and white sign, hear the distant hum of cars on the main road a block away, smell the lingering cigarette smoke some other partygoers must have left behind before entering the house, taste the remnants of vodka on his tongue, and feel the rough canvas texture of the white lab coat he’s wearing.

Then he hears a door open and footsteps on the pavement coming from the house, and sees a dark figure coming his way: Eliott.

“Hey, here drink this,” he offers the cup to Lucas, the younger boy noticing the silver rings on a few of his fingers. He hesitates, so Eliott insists, “Don’t worry, it’s just water.”

Lucas gives his best attempt at a smile and accepts the drink, immediately drinking half of it and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “Thanks.”

Now he can taste the nothingness of the water, and feel the smooth plastic of the cup.

Eliott shrugs off his outermost layer and places the robe on Lucas’ shoulders. The latter looks up and can’t find the words to express what he’s feeling — gratitude, guilt, humiliation, hopelessness, infatuation, among a thousand other things. 

“It was getting kinda hot under it anyway,” Eliott offers as an explanation, other than the unspoken one.

Lucas pulls the lapels closer to his center and gets comfortable wearing the extra layer; he can feel the much softer fabric of the hooded robe, and see the bottom of it pooling against the asphalt because it is much too long for Lucas.

Eliott takes a step back and gestures to the garment on the other boy’s body. “Now you’re a magic scientist!”

Lucas lets himself laugh, shoulders feeling lighter and mind less cluttered. 

“Now _ this _ is a great costume.” He looks down at himself and puts his arms out to show it off, the sleeves of the robe about ten sizes too big for his arms. “Way better than my last minute costume just using my old Chemistry lab coat and forgetting my contacts.”

Half of Eliott’s face is shadowed by the dim light on the side of the house, the lit section of his hair a muted yellow mixing with the shiny dark strands.

“Your costume is...amazing, by the way. How did you come up with all this?” Lucas decides to take control of the conversation before Eliott inquires about his sudden disappearance.

“Thanks! Stella in the costume department put it together as a part of an assignment and let me wear it for tonight.”

“And this?” Lucas motions to his dark hair.

Eliott giggles and rakes a hand through it, “Yeah, she and Adriano insisted I have black hair, or else it would be a disgrace to the character, so.” He shrugs, and it’s like Eliott really is under there, no matter how much hair dye or fabric tries to cover him.

Lucas envies that about him; he is so much more himself than Lucas. Eliott is inherently singular, while able to take on different forms - always who he is in any circumstances, and confidently so. And at his center he is just _ good _. He is the best person Lucas knows; the kindest, most caring, empathetic, and gentle soul he thinks the universe has ever known. Lucas feels instinctively drawn to him — and completely in love.

They start to walk slowly around the block, feeling safe and calm in each other’s company.

On top of that, Lucas feels immensely lucky to be alive at the same time as him, to live in the same city—neighborhood even— as him, to be at his side in this very minute. It sends a shiver down his spine, a current that shakes him back to reality.

He doesn’t know if it’s the song he can hear echoing through the street, or the magic of the holiday and the costume on his back, or the crinkle of Eliott’s eyes when he smiles just right - but the feeling that rises from his stomach and through his heart finds its way into the form of words that fall from his mouth. And when they do, he has never felt more sure of anything in his life.

“I love you, Eliott.” 

He holds his breath after, fully realizing the weight of those three words. They have said they loved each other countless times, but this time is different. Lucas doesn’t love Eliott as a friend, he _ loves _Eliott. On purpose and without fail. For and despite everything he is — his (mostly) shitty taste in music, his strange affliction with raccoons, the ink stains always on his right pinky, the way his smile could light up the entire planet, the way he says Lucas’ name, the way he laughs at his stupid jokes. Everything. 

And _ holy shit _. This is the point of no return. He can’t take it back or act like he didn’t mean it because he does, with all he is. Lucas’ mind continues to spiral in every direction but is interrupted by the other boy speaking.

“Love you too, Luc,” he says, nonchalant - like a friendly and platonic jab to the shoulder, or as if stating that the weather is nice, that this is common knowledge. It is, to some degree, but not in the way Lucas means now. Eliott doesn’t quite understand what he means and he needs him to know. So he tries again.

“No, I mean—“ Lucas stops walking. He sighs and starts again with unwavering seriousness, making sure to look into those mesmerizing storms in the taller boy’s eyes. “I love you, and I like you. I like you, Eliott."

All Lucas can focus on is the stunning hue of the irises locked with his own, now narrowing in uncertainty. _ Does he really not get it? How can he not know? _ He’s wearing his heart on his fucking sleeve.

Lucas’ chest feels tight again, and he can’t stand Eliott not knowing any longer. Before he knows it, he’s on his toes reaching for the nape of Eliott’s neck as the space between them vanishes and their lips crash together.

Eliott is stunned - his eyes still closed when Lucas pulls back. 

_ Oh no. Oh God. What the fuck has he done? _ He just kissed his best friend. _ Maybe Eliott doesn’t feel the same; how could he be so stupid? _ He has completely ruined their friendship and Eliott will certainly not want to talk to Lucas ever again after this. 

Tears threaten to spill and his throat is starting to close.

“I’m so sorry, Eliott, I shouldn’t have done that. Fuck, I’m so fucking stupid. I’m so sorry—” Lucas curses until he feels Eliott’s hands cooling the skin on his flushed cheeks and a thumb caressing his cheekbone. His gaze is guided up towards Eliott’s by the gentle movement of the hands holding his face.

They lock eyes once more, but Eliott’s are soft and warm now—like he is relieved— especially under the street lights on this nearly moonless evening.

“Hey, don’t be.” Another stroke of Lucas’ cheekbone. “Because I love you, and I like you, too, Lucas Lallemant.” A snide grin creeps onto Eliott’s features before those lips meet his own again — this time sure and lingering. 

Now, Lucas can feel his lips on those of the boy he loves, feel his weight all shifting to the tips of his toes as he reaches up, feel Eliott’s ridiculously beautiful hair between his fingertips, taste Eliott on his tongue.

Once the initial shock has worn off, they both grab at each other to rid themselves of any physical space between their bodies as their mouths dance together. Everything feels so foreign yet so natural at the same time; Lucas has never kissed a boy before this, and can only compare it to the terrible sloppy make out sessions with Chloé and a few other girls that he felt nothing for. But this—_this—_ is everything he had been hoping for and more. It’s like the Big Bang; absolutely nothing existed before this moment and then _ bang —_ the beginning of everything.

There’s just no way that this could be real, not in Lucas’ life—not in this life, not in this universe. For someone who has always been fascinated by the cosmos and its inhabitants, it hasn’t been kind enough to give him a life where this is possible. But now it is. 

The moon is now gone for the night, but when it returns, it will shine like it always has and always will. Its waning crescent will turn to a new moon, only to wax from the other side. It’s all cyclical—a new phase but still the same light source, same as it has always been— but different now. Although we always see the same side of the celestial body, the light it reflects seems to be welcomed with a new urgency; it’s glow seeping into every nook and cranny, breathing new life into the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -the song at eliott’s is ‘true love will find you in the end’ [ by daniel johnston ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ma7lyfYzIw8) but they listen to the version [ by cry baby ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6Bs8hTcbzY)  
-Things are Happening!!! please feel free to tell me what u think i love your feedback!  
-come chat on [ tumblr! ](https://luxandobscurus.tumblr.com/)


	4. I don’t have the bones to be free / I believe in love when he / confesses himself inside me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They look at the vast universe above them, reminding them that they are a part of it, not just looking at it from afar. And Lucas thinks, it really does work in mysterious ways. It’s both comforting and terrifying, a home and an escape, infinite but with so many bounds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a heads up: things get a little Steamy in this chapter, but it’s brief (and my first attempt at writing something like this so pls forgive me if it’s awful!!)
> 
> chapter title from [ ‘dark circles, a performance’](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HG98o5mOsU) by ryan beatty
> 
> this chapter was so fun to write, i hope y'all enjoy :)

** **

**NOV 1 - LUNDI 09:22**

He doesn’t know exactly when he knew. 

So when Eliott asks when he knew he loved him—or, liked him, as his confession was worded— as they lay on the same pillow in the older boy’s bed with limbs intertwined and hands traveling all over the new space of skin they are now allowed to explore, Lucas doesn’t quite know what to say. 

There wasn’t a feeling of allatonceness everyone talks about; he can’t even pinpoint a progression of feelings. Perhaps they developed subconsciously, without his knowledge until they were too intense to go unnoticed. Maybe the knots in his stomach were because of these feelings and not the usual every day nervousness he’s used to. 

Maybe it’s like Aristotle said. Just a constant fall towards his natural place: Eliott. Or as if meeting Eliott was the violent motion that knocked his life off course, or, right where he was meant to be. Or some combination of the two — meeting Eliott was a naturally violent event just destined to happen. 

But even if meeting Eliott was such an event, that doesn’t explain how they got here. _ Here _ as in having confessed that they love each other, in a way more than friends do. He feels that a major shift occurs whenever Eliott is brought into anyone’s life; Lucas is not special in that regard. But having this, being able to kiss and touch and embrace whenever they wish, is something only Lucas can do. So what changed? How did his friendship with Eliott turn into longing, hoping, yearning for more? 

Because if love is anything like energy, then there are laws that apply. Energy cannot be created nor destroyed, so perhaps the same is true for love. It can take on different forms, can fluctuate and move from one place to another, can remain potential or transform into something else entirely. But it’s never not there, never forced, and can have a mind of its own.

That much he knows for sure. He’s seen it first hand; how quickly it can change, there one minute and gone the next. He’s seen how his father’s love changed and moved on to the new family he’s made for himself away from him and his mother, and seen how Emma and Yann remained friends after their break up. 

Of course he didn’t have this answer ready this morning, only now putting his thoughts together in class and daydreaming of the warm comfort of being in Eliott’s arms.

“I’m not sure. I just know that I do, now,” he said, face to Eliott’s bare chest and tracing the smooth skin of his collarbone. 

He could feel Eliott’s hand pushing the hair out of Lucas’ face and feel the smile on his forehead before leaving a kiss there. One hand traveled down his face, thumb pressing the bone of his jawline and fingers stroking the skin behind his ear, before gently pulling his face up for a kiss — their first since before they fell asleep the night before.

Their conversation didn’t get much further, for they replaced words with touches and glances and kisses. That, and Charlotte opened the door to tell Eliott, “you’re going to be late for sch—” before seeing the two wrapped up in each other. Lucas immediately retreated from Eliott’s embrace and scrambled for the covers that would have been beneficial in masking the compromising situation he has found himself in, once again — this time definitely more humiliating than the last.

“We’re going, we’re going,” Eliott assured his mother as he got out of bed and threw on a shirt. He seemed completely unaffected by the intrusion, not an ounce of embarrassment or guilt present in his voice or muscles — Lucas watched the ones on his upper back as they flexed and relaxed in the process of getting dressed, actually let himself look unlike that night of stargazing.

“This was great while it lasted but I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to look at your mom in the eyes now.” 

Lucas hated how Eliott just giggles at that, until he gave in and started to laugh too — at his luck and at the way Eliott looked so cute and giddy.

“What has you in such a good mood?” Imane’s voice breaks him out of his trance, having noticed his cheeks getting rosy from the events of the morning.

“Nothing,” he smiles, picking up his pencil and getting to work.

  
  


**NOV 3 - MERCREDI 15:26**

Eliott is picking Lucas up at his apartment to take him to this new pizza place he’s been raving about. He texts that he’s on his way up and Lucas cannot find a pair of clean socks for the life of him. So, when Eliott knocks on the door, he’s still rummaging through his drawers and hamper to find any pair he can. 

Mika answers the door; Lucas finally finds some socks under his bed, and he can hear Eliott and his flatmate talking from the hall.

He can’t believe Mika actually has the nerve to ask if Eliott is available and hardcore flirts with him in their living room. Eliott just laughs and plays along, until he tells him, seriously, “Unfortunately, I am deeply in love.” 

This makes Lucas stop in his tracks as he makes his way towards them. He supposes he knew that already; they are in this honeymoon stage of just getting together, but it still knocks the wind out of him.

Mika is surprised but mostly curious, and maybe a little but jealous. “Really? Since when?” 

And thank the gods that he doesn’t ask, _ with who? _because Lucas doesn’t know if he’s quite ready to tell people just yet.

Eliott looks down at his feet, grinning that big, stupid, beautiful grin — and love looks so good on him, he thinks. When he looks up he sees Lucas approach from the hallway but doesn’t enter the room yet, and locks eyes with him while saying, “Since the first moment I saw him.”

And now Lucas feels the air being swiftly knocked out of his lungs once again, instantly being replaced with love — the intense, all-consuming kind. _ Since the first moment he saw him? _

He recalls that moment now, trying to wrap his brain around the fact that Eliott could see anything worthy of love in him at the time, or even now. 

It was a spring day, Lucas spent it with his mother at the science center, their favorite place. Although they didn’t have loads of money to afford a membership there, they saved their trips for special occasions, and ended up spending hours in the astronomy exhibits. But on this particular day, there was no special occasion, his mother just woke up that morning and decided they would go, even bought one of those expensive knick knacks for Lucas in the gift shop. 

That’s where he met Eliott, he was looking at notebooks with images of the Milky Way on the cover. Eliott smiled at him, and Lucas couldn’t help but give him one in return, inevitably spouting facts about the galaxy to start conversation. The next week they saw each other at school and the rest is history.

It is so overwhelming—this tidbit of information, the memories flooding back, the sheer knowledge of Eliott returning every ounce of his love—that it moves him to where Eliott is standing in the doorway, takes him by the arm out of the apartment and down the hall.

They nearly trip down the stairs, all while not letting go of the other’s hand, laughing like the lovesick idiots they are. If Eliott wants to ask what he’s doing, Lucas doesn’t give him the time to. When they reach the lobby, Lucas can’t stand it and has to drag Eliott into the mailroom; he wastes no time in shutting the door behind them and taking a fistful of the taller boy’s shirt to attach their lips in a heated, passionate kiss. Eliott kisses him back urgently, and Lucas swallows his soft sighs.

They part to come up for air, and Lucas breathes out, teasing but smiling so big he can’t help it. 

“Since the first moment you saw me, huh?” There’s a hint of _this whole time? And all that time, I could have had this? _in his voice. Lucas doesn’t let him answer, he crashes their lips together in another searing kiss before Eliott has the chance.

They part after another minute and look into each other's eyes for the first time that day. Eliott’s are a lot bluer today and seem to be glittering with that rare glint they do sometimes.

“And every moment since.” Eliott’s reply is so sweet as if dripping in honey, and it is so fucking cheesy and romantic that if literally anyone else were to say it he would be sick. But it’s Eliott, saying it to him with that madly-in-love grin, and Lucas could just about burst at the seams with emotion. God, if only fourteen year old Lucas could see him now.

Eliott takes his face in his hands and kisses him again, his hold firm and strong it makes Lucas weak in the knees. He reaches his arms around the taller boy’s waist for leverage, and his neck is starting to get sore from being tipped back so far, but he doesn’t care — as long as Eliott keeps kissing him, touching him like this.

“I love you,” Lucas says into Eliott’s mouth, then moves down to work on Eliott’s neck. “So. Fucking. Much,” he punctuates each word with a kiss.

He can feel more than hear Eliott’s groan when he teases the skin with his teeth, feel Eliott’s hands tangle in his hair at the smooth glide of his tongue that comes after. Lucas adjusts his stance, needing him closer, and places a leg between both of Eliott’s; it’s unclear which one of them makes the sound of pleasure filling the small space. And suddenly their jeans feel like they are getting tighter, so Eliott has to push at Lucas’ shoulder. 

“Okay, baby, I love you too, but don’t start something we can’t finish.” Eliott giggles and flicks his eyes around the tiny mailroom, because they are _ that _ couple that couldn’t keep it in their pants long enough to leave the building, or go back upstairs to do this.

Lucas looks up at him now, seeing the enamored smile on his boy’s plump lips and meets him with the same one. Both of his hands are now tangled in the fabric of Eliott’s shirt, and he can feel his cheeks flush more from the comment than the kisses.

His mind was too preoccupied to take in the nickname, and when Lucas finally registers it, he turns scarlet. _ Baby _. He swoons. And also maybe feels his jeans get just a little tighter. He can’t seem to stop the stupid giddy smile from growing on his lips and rests his forehead onto the boy’s sternum, out of shyness and just becuase he can. Lucas plants a kiss to Eliott’s heart, then releases the fabric from his grip and instead rests his hand on Eliott’s heart again. 

He can feel the rhythm of it pulsing, imagine the word inked onto it. _ Life _. It’s the blood rushing through their bodies, it’s what makes love possible. And Lucas is so happy that this is his — that he gets to share his life and his love with Eliott. Life, love: they are quite interchangeable, Lucas thinks — you cannot have one without the other. 

Lucas laces their fingers together as they walk out of the mailroom and the building, and back into their love-filled lives.

*

**17:44**

  
  
  


**NOV 5 - VENDREDI 19:03**

Eliott has invited Lucas to one of the events at the university for applicants and future students where faculty and alumni are available to ask questions and exchange contact information before classes begin. Lucas thinks it’s a little early for it but he doesn’t know anything about uni or film, so he’s just happy to accompany Eliott and meet the people he has been working with. 

They are about to walk in the door; Eliott is texting Adriano that they’re here with one hand because his other arm is being clutched by both of Lucas’. 

Eliott gets a nametag and a packet of information from the table before entering the large room. 

A young man comes up to them and Lucas can immediately recognize him as Adriano. 

“Hey, you made it!” he says with a pat on Eliott’s shoulder, which would have made Lucas seethe with envy if he and Eliott weren’t together now. The thought does something to his stomach, a weird sinking feeling he used to be very familiar with.

He’s almost as tall as Eliott, his hair as dark as Eliott’s was on Halloween. His green eyes shift and land on Lucas; they’re kind and welcoming. 

Eliott realizes they haven’t met before and introduces them. “Sorry, Lucas this is Adriano, and Adriano this is Lucas, my—” he stops, suddenly aware that they haven’t had the _ what are we telling people _ talk yet. 

And Lucas immediately finishes with, “Boyfriend.” He extends a hand for Adriano to shake, “Hi, Lucas, the boyfriend.” 

And it should be scary to say it out loud, but for some reason it isn’t. Maybe it’s because Eliott told him Adriano was pan too, and there’s a kind quality to Adriano’s gaze.

“Hi, Adriano. Or, I guess you can see that,” he motions to his nametag, smiling. “Nice to meet you, Lucas.”

“Yeah, nice to meet you too. I hear you’ve been working on something,” Lucas turns to Eliott, “but this one has yet to show me any of it.”

“Hey! I told you I would show you when it’s all finished!” his _ boyfriend _ exclaims. 

“I know, I know. I guess I’m just very curious to see what you have been doing, like 24/7,” Lucas nudges Eliott’s side playfully.

“I mean, he does have a point,” Adriano agrees, and he and Lucas share a look. 

Lucas snakes a hand around Eliott’s torso and places a kiss on his cheek while the other two talk about storyboards and drafts.

*

After an hour or two of circling the room and quick conversations with program directors and club presidents, Eliott and Lucas leave the building and take the short walk to the bus stop.

“Eli, you should definitely apply for that short film scholarship thing,” Lucas suggests as they cross a street.

He hates how Eliott’s shoulders tense at the words. “Yeah, I don’t know. If anything I think everyone there made me more intimidated than I already was, and I probably wouldn’t get it anyway.”

“Hey, you don’t know that,” Lucas says softly, squeezes the hand he’s holding in reassurance. “You can think about it, you don’t have to decide now. And even if you don’t win it, it would still be a great opportunity. And I will support you either way,” Lucas tries instead.

“I love you,” is Eliott’s reply, finished with a kiss. He’ll take it.

They continue to walk in silence, hands swinging between them, sharing smiles and kisses here and there. They talk again when they’re seated on the bus back to Eliott’s.

“So...boyfriend? Is that what we’re telling people?” Eliott asks, hesitant but open for Lucas to confirm or deny.

Lucas sighs, then starts, “I mean, yes. But I don’t know if I’m ready to tell the guys or my roommates or anything. If that’s okay?”

“We can do whatever you want, whenever you want to,” Eliott tells him with a hand on his knee. Lucas smiles up at him and thinks he really got lucky with this one.

He can sense Eliott’s eyes on him still, like he’s waiting to bring something up he’s afraid to. And then he asks, “I get that you don’t want to tell your friends yet, I do. Just... you told Adriano, and it went well?”

Lucas remembers Adriano’s eyes and knowing smile when he said it. “I think it was just easier to tell him, like, I didn’t really know him and I knew he wouldn’t judge, I guess. And with the guys, or the girls...I think they’ll be supportive, but it’s still really fucking terrifying.” 

Eliott takes his hand again, rubs his thumb back and forth. “I understand. Coming out is kind of an everyday thing, but it gets a little easier every time. And if they can’t accept it then they don’t deserve you. And I’ll be proud of you either way.” He bumps his shoulder against Lucas’, the words and the gesture making a smile bloom on his face that is soon being kissed again.

  
  


**NOV 6 - SAMEDI 11:46**

  
  
  
  
  


**NOV 9 - MARDI 17:01 **

They watch a movie, _ Comet, _ on the couch in the coloc, sharing a bowl of popcorn and vanilla ice cream straight from the carton. Eliott’s feet are propped on the coffee table in front of them, legs crossed at the ankles; Lucas’ are laying on top of them, his legs not quite long enough to reach the table from his position on the couch. 

The film begins at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery where people are waiting in line to attend a screening on the lawn. In the line, some guy is desperately trying to pick up a girl as another guy watches and eventually intervenes.

He doesn’t know why he says it out loud, but it reminds him of seeing Eliott with Adriano at the film festival all those weeks ago.

“Hey, that day at the film festival, were you— um, were you on a date?”

Eliott keeps his eyes on the screen until the scene is over and snaps back to reality to consider the question. “What?”

“You know... I was with Chloé, and I saw you and— and Adriano holding hands.” His stomach is starting to tie in knots at the memory of that horrible day, the feeling almost unfamiliar now since it has been a while since he felt this way.

Eliott seems to recall that day and turns to fully face Lucas, even though it’s difficult under the weight of the legs on top of his. 

“Oh, you mean with Adriano? No! We weren’t on a date. We were there to see the movies of course, but after he dragged me to talk to the program director for EICAR.”

Lucas just looks at him, trying to understand what happened as his stomach keeps churning.

“Like, literally took my hand and dragged me over there because I didn’t have the guts to do it myself,” Eliott continues, voice light and airy.

“Oh,” is all Lucas says.

And this makes Lucas feel guilty, just as he had when he kissed Chloé as the credits rolled. He had no right being jealous of the guy who was just trying to help Eliott get comfortable with talking to the people at the booth. He feels even more guilt at the fact that he didn’t know how nervous Eliott was about pursuing film school, and couldn’t help but feel like a lousy friend for not being there when he was.

“What’s wrong?” Eliott asks when he sees the defeated look on his face. 

_ I’m a terrible friend and a terrible person and I wish I could be half the person you are because for some reason you still keep me around even though I seem to fuck everything up, _ his brain supplies _ . _Tears start to prick his eyes but he keeps them at bay. It’s a skill he is ashamed to admit he has mastered.

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for that, and all of the things I missed because I let stupid things get in the way of being a decent friend.”

“Lucas, it’s okay, really. I know things have been kind of intense lately. Just knowing that you’re there is enough.” 

Eliott reaches an arm around Lucas’ shoulder and the latter rests his head on the older boy’s chest. A single tear manages to escape but is quickly wiped away with a shrug of one shoulder.

The voices on the screen fill the space now and Eliott says, “I’ve always wanted to go there!” shifting excitedly on the couch.

Lucas laughs, “We will have to go then, when you are nominated for an Oscar and then your movie will be the one playing on that building.”

“Yeah, okay,” he agrees with a tight-lipped grin.

Lucas nudges their shoulders together and leans into Eliott’s side.

*

“Okay, how did the writer crawl inside my brain and make Dell the American version of me?” Lucas says, sitting up with his legs criss-crossed.

“What are you talking about?”

“He just said he’s a ‘five minutes from now person’ and how he’s too busy thinking of the next minute to enjoy the one he’s living. I will say he is more bold than I will ever be, though. Who says something like ‘I’m probably going to fall in love with you’ to the person he just met?”

Lucas and Eliott share a look, one that says _ oh yeah, Eliott would. _

“You’re right, though. This guy is a genius. He’s actually married to the actress who plays Kimberly.”

Lucas loves that Eliott gets to be the nerd for once and playfully shoves at him until getting comfortable in his arms again.

  
  


**NOV 10 - JEUDI 18:32**

What started as a study date got increasingly unbearable for Lucas to keep still when he and Eliott were alone in his apartment. 

Lucas starts kissing him, and Eliott still tries to talk but Lucas swallows all his words and hums. He eventually puts his hands on Lucas’ chest to pull their mouths away; his hands stay there even when Lucas whines and tries to lunge forward.

“C’mon, baby, you can take a break, you’ve been at this for hours,” Lucas turns to the laptop now sitting on the coffee table. 

“I know, I’m just kind of stressed about this stupid assignment. It’s not due until Monday but still.”

“Perfect, then you have time for a break,” Lucas tries again. 

They have a short staring contest — Eliott holding back from giving in when he so clearly wants to, and Lucas practically burning with desire waiting for him to do just that.

“Yeah, I guess I do,” Eliott finally admits with his signature shrug, and that glint in his eyes from the mailroom the other day. 

Lucas takes it as a cue and throws a leg over Eliott’s body, knees on either side of him digging into the couch cushions. Eliott’s hands find their way to Lucas’ hips as if on instinct, and the latter lowers himself to sit on Eliott’s lap, still straddling him.

They meet in the middle for a kiss, slow and languid as they let each other lick into their mouths. Then Eliott’s hands travel slowly up and down Lucas’ thighs and eventually rest on his hips with a firm grip. Lucas lets his arms twist around Eliott’s neck and on the back of the couch, sometimes moving down to grip at his hair.

Both can feel the other growing hard at the close proximity of their clothed crotches — and this is about as far as they have gone until now.

Maybe Eliott wants to give Lucas an out, let him know that they don’t have to continue if he’s not comfortable and he would be more than okay to stop, when he says, breathless, “Lucas, we don’t have to—”

And Lucas wants nothing more than to keep going, so he assures him, but not without being a teasing little shit about it. 

“Well, maybe I started something I want to finish.” Lucas looks down at him with a devilish grin, feeling confident at the way Eliott reacts with a gulp and dark eyes.

And what comes next is involuntary, but rewarding — Lucas starts to swivel his hips back and forth and in figure eights, which earns a deep moan out of Eliott, so he continues until suddenly his shirt is thrown on the floor. Lucas keeps up the movement of his hips, in need of friction for their now fully hard erections.

Eliott’s shirt follows soon after. Their mouths hang open, panting while their gazes meet, pupils blown out in lust and a mutual feeling of _ holy shit are we actually doing this? _

So hands roam and hair is pulled and foreheads get sweaty. Eliott noses down Lucas’ throat until teeth sink in and his tongue slides around, the latter throwing his head back in pleasure as well as allowing more access. Then pants are being unzipped, skin is touching skin, and open-mouthed kisses are being peppered everywhere. Hands travel south and more moans and groans are released_ , ah, fuck _ and _ shit, oh god _fill the air, which grows hotter with each passing second. 

And it’s funny that Lucas doesn’t even think about the fact that he’s never done this before—with _ anyone— _ or that he is probably the least experienced person Eliott has been with, or that they are getting off on the same couch Eliott watches movies with his parents on, or that he is doing so with his best-friend-turned-boyfriend. He doesn’t think about any of it because, well, he doesn’t have the time to, and all his brain can do is scream _ more, more, more _ and _ Eliott, Eliott, Eliott. _

It feels fucking good, like, amazingly good; he gets it now, when people say it feels so good that they see stars. Lucas comes first, but he lasts longer than he thought he would, and he also doesn’t really fucking care, when a pleasure like this exists.

Eliott finishes with a _ fuck, Lucas— _, then Lucas swings his leg around and crashes against the couch next to him.

They take their time catching their breath while basking in the post-orgasm haze. 

“Woah,” Lucas lets the word fall from his lips, chest heaving.

“Yeah, woah,” Eliott breathes out. 

They burst into giggles and Eliott eventually rests his head on Lucas’ shoulder before cleaning up and getting dressed.

“Thank god your mom didn’t see...that.”

  
  


**NOV 11 - VENDREDI 16:17**

Yann and Lucas go for burgers and hang out like they used to before Lucas started being weird and distant. Now, he feels like he’s finally in a good place and wants to tell Yann about it.

“Everything good?” Yann asks as he picks up two fries.

“Yeah, actually.” Lucas sips his drink and tries to hide his smile. “So, you know how you told me to...tell Eliott how I feel?”

Yann finishes his bite and looks up at his friend eagerly but with caution. “Yeah? And?”

“And... he’s my boyfriend now,” he says, bashful and turning pink at the confession. It’s so strange that he gets to call Eliott his boyfriend, but he gets a thrill every time he can say it.

“Lucas! Dude, that’s awesome. I’m so happy for you. Really,” he reaches across the table for his hand in one of those cliché bro handshake hugs made awkward by their distance and piles of food on the surface. Lucas has never felt more relieved, more like himself. 

“Thanks. I couldn’t have done it without you, you know,” it sounds light but he really means it, without that push he doesn’t know if he would have ever let himself admit his feelings for Eliott. Maybe there’s an alternate universe where a Lucas didn’t have the courage. But he refuses to believe it.

  
  
  


**NOV 14 - DIMANCHE 19:50**

Lucas is at home and fell asleep while watching bad reality TV after finishing his homework and having dinner. He would go out with Eliott but his aunt and uncle are in town for his dad’s birthday so the couldn’t. His phone starts to ring against the wooden coffee table and he reaches for it without checking to see who’s calling. 

“Hello?”

“Lucas,” Eliott’s voice sounds somber through the phone. “Have you heard of Pale Blue Dot?” 

It’s not at all the greeting he was expecting from him and has no idea where this came from. 

He has, of course, but it sounds more like a rhetorical question, so he just stays silent to let Eliott continue.

Lucas thinks he can hear him swallow, then, “Well, Pale Blue Dot is the mission from 1990, where Voyager 1 took a look at our planet from the edge of the Solar System. It was so far away, like, 6 billion kilometers, that Earth only looked like a pale blue dot.”

His voice is thinner now, like Eliott’s signature cadence and tone have been replaced with a robotic-like version. 

“And it just makes me think, you know, that we are so small, so miniscule. That nothing we do matters, because how could it? That nothing I have ever done or will ever do matters.” 

A moment of silence on both ends. Lucas sits up straight and gets dizzy from the speed of the motion. 

“And I’m looking at the stars right now, and all the planets, and...” 

Wait. Eliott is looking at the stars, now? He must be at La Petite Ceinture. Lucas throws on a hoodie and his blue jacket and is out the door without a second thought. 

When he runs down the stairs and through the lobby, he can’t help but think of a few days ago when Eliott was giggling and skipping behind him, an image so far in contrast to the one he makes now, alone. And when Lucas runs to the bus stop, he stops in his tracks. It’s pouring rain outside. 

“Wait, Eliott, where are you? Are you safe?” he asks through the phone pressed to his ear, out of breath, his hair and clothes drenched already.

Except Eliott doesn’t answer. He just continues on his tangent and makes Lucas more worried with each word, “So why should I care about making a future for myself if I’ll just end up going into oblivion? We live on a tiny speck of dust, in the grand scheme of things. There’s no way anything I do is going to change that.”

His voice is robotic and matter-of-fact. Like he’s made up his mind about all this. And when he takes shelter back in the lobby, Lucas doesn’t hear rain at all on the other line.

And then it hits him. The only place that Eliott could possibly be looking at the stars and planets right now, in Paris, where even the weather couldn’t hinder it. And thank the heavens, because it is much closer than the park where they stargazed that one night.

“Eliott, I know where you are, and I’m coming, okay? Please, just stay where you are until I get there. We’ll talk then, okay?”

Lucas runs, and runs and runs, until he reaches the door. The people inside are about to lock it, but Lucas urgently informs them that he needs to see someone inside immediately. The receptionist lets him in, and he goes straight to the planetarium.

The room is extremely dark, save for the glow of the images presented on the dome-shaped ceiling and the small orange dashed lines on the floor. He follows the trail of orange until he spots a bare knee peeking out of ripped jeans, that belongs to the messy head of hair leaning back in the seat. Lucas sits next to him and tries to regain his breath and let his eyes adjust to the darkness. He is so relieved to have found him.

“Hey,” Lucas rests his hand on top of Eliott’s, which is resting in the older boy’s lap. “I’m here.” Lucas squeezes his hand and exhales, “I’m here.” Perhaps more to himself than to Eliott this time.

Eliott tries to hide his face, but it is difficult to do so when the seats are positioned to lean back and toward the ceiling. The dim glow of the universe above highlights the tear tracks on his cheeks, and Lucas just wants to hug him so tight and so close that nothing could ever harm him ever again. 

But he’s seen this too many times to know that the catalyst responsible for the pain Eliott is experiencing is in his own head, and not from external demons. He also knows how careful he must be around Eliott when he gets like this — to not be overbearing and swooping in like he needs a savior, because he doesn’t; he knows Eliott just needs to be reminded that he is loved and he is valid for feeling whatever he is feeling, and that Lucas is there when he’s ready. 

Lucas has learned not to say something like _ it will all be okay _ or _ everything will be alright _ because he knows that is just a bullshit lie he’s been told too many times in his life — both of them, actually. Because if everything was alright and if everything was okay, they wouldn’t be here and wouldn’t have to go through the pain that these words couldn’t even make go away.

“Eli, look at me,” he says softly, turning to see him better and slowly place his hand on Eliott’s face to guide it towards him. When Eliott finally does look at him, he seems so fragile, like the light inside his eyes has burned out.

It’s like his eyes are a transit — a phenomenon where exoplanets are discovered to be orbiting another body through the dimming of the star’s light. His eyes are enormous stars that shine so bright, but now that light is dimmed by something that passes in front of it. _ What is it that is taking your light away? _ Lucas wants to ask. _ What caused this downward spiral and darkened everything in its path? And what can I do to stop it, to help? _

The sight makes tears well in Lucas’ eyes, wishing he could somehow take all the pain and hurt away. But he doesn’t let them fall, refuses to fall apart when Eliott needs him whole right now.

The good thing about this, however, is that that light never stops shining — it is just temporarily being blocked from the outside viewer. Much like a cloud blocking the Sun, it will pass. And that light will come again, because _ it always does _.

Lucas knows that light is still somewhere inside and will do anything to get it back.

“I know it can seem like we don’t matter when the universe is so big, and scary, sometimes. And you are allowed to feel however you feel. But you do matter. You matter, Eliott.” Lucas takes a few breaths, his grasp on Eliott’s hand still strong. 

“You matter to me.” It comes out quiet and softer than his other words, lacing it with all the love and care he can muster to drive the point home, because Lucas can’t even fathom a universe without Eliott in it, without loving and being loved by him.

“And you know, when I feel small and insignificant, I like to think about the Copernican principle. I am not sorry for getting nerdy this time, we are in a planetarium, after all.” Lucas tries to lighten the mood briefly, tries to take some of the weight off both their shoulders.

Eliott seems more relaxed now, sitting up slightly to engage with what Lucas is about to say. Eliott looks at him as if communicating, _ what do you mean? _

It’s this moment when Lucas sees the book Lucas was reading that one day in the library, when Eliott took his hand and told him that what he likes isn’t stupid. The book is shoved between the cushion and the armrest on the opposite side of Eliott from him. 

“The Copernican principle — as in Copernicus, who found that the Sun is the center of our Solar System, not Earth — states that ‘we as humans are not privileged observers of the universe’. Because we tend to make everything about ourselves, including thinking the system of planets revolves around us. When it in fact does not,” Lucas laughs a little at the last sentence, even raises an index finger in the air to emphasize the point.

(And, okay, maybe Arthur had a point on Halloween.)

Lucas sits back in his chair, bringing their hands to rest in his lap now. They look at the vast universe above them, reminding them that they are a part of it, not just looking at it from afar. And Lucas thinks, it really does work in mysterious ways. It’s both comforting and terrifying, a home and an escape, infinite but with so many bounds.

“And it could also mean that there is extraterrestrial life out there somewhere. Because aliens definitely exist, I mean, there’s just no way we are the only living beings in the infinite universe. So, we are not alone,” _ You are not alone, _goes unsaid.

When he looks back at Eliott, his eyes are closed and his chest is rising and falling with his deep breaths. Lucas presses a kiss to the back of the hand he’s holding, and then another for good measure.

“Thank you.” Eliott’s voice is thick with emotion now, still sad and somber, but _ Eliott. _ Like the slightest glimpse of his light breaking through.

The door opens and lets in the light from the lobby, signaling to Lucas they have overstayed their welcome.

“As much as I could go on about aliens and as much as I would love to stay here with you, I think we should let these people go home. And we should too.” 

Lucas stands and tucks the book into his jacket. Eliott lets him take him through the doors and back out to the street, where Eliott immediately pulls him in for a hug that is as tight and warm as possible on the damp and cold evening. 

It’s not raining nearly as hard as before, but still sprinkling. They have weathered worse storms than this one, so it’s nothing they can’t handle.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah i’ve had that planetarium scene in my head since july. feels so good to finally share!!!  
every instagram caption (except the very first) is also from the song from the title, 'dark circles, a performance' by ryan beatty  
thank you so so much for reading - and kudos-ing and commenting! i really appreciate all the love 💗  
come chat on [ tumblr](https://luxandobscurus.tumblr.com/) :)


	5. there is a light that will never go out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And it happens again, that heart too big for his chest feeling. It also reminds him of what his mother used to tell him when things got bad at home: just take it minute by minute. But he always felt that even one minute was too much sometimes, but also felt like he couldn’t bring himself to only think in that small of an amount of time. Exactly like Eliott said, exactly like he was living both on Venus and Jupiter, and not at all on Earth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys sorry for such a long wait, i appreciate you for sticking with me, for reading and engaging with this story, and all your love bc it literally means the world to me - so thank you. 💖💖💖  
we have reached the end with this version of lucas and eliott :’) i am the biggest film nerd AND space nerd so this fic was v self-indulgent but i am so glad to see that u guys enjoyed it too :) enjoy this final chapter!!!
> 
> chapter title from the song by the smiths

** **

**NOV 14 - DIMANCHE 20:54**

“Lucas, you’re shaking.”

He doesn’t even notice the ice running through his veins from the rain-drenched clothing clinging to his body until Eliott says this; Lucas was too worried about getting him home safe.

Well, home, as in Lucas’ apartment. It’s just as much a safe place as the bridge where they looked at the stars. And it may not be where he lives, but Eliott can still find comfort in it. With Lucas.

They finally make it inside; the apartment is still and quiet save for some raindrops lightly hitting the window. On the way in, Lucas unzips his outer layer and takes the book out from where it was pressed to chest. Once inside the bedroom Eliott sits on the edge of the bed; Lucas places the book on his desk and stands before him.

Eliott takes Lucas’ cold hands in his own and looks up to the younger boy through his eyelashes. That glimmer of light in them shines brighter with every second he keeps Lucas’ gaze.

“You’re freezing,” Eliott tells him again.

The contact — both in their eyes and their hands — causes warmth to spread inside Lucas and guides him back to comfort.

“I’m fine.” Lucas’ teeth chatter with the words.

Even though the light is coming back, Eliott’s eyes look so tired still. Like he hasn’t slept in days, like keeping them open is physically causing him pain.

Lucas bends down to plant a kiss to his forehead, their hands still intertwined. “You should get some sleep. I’ll tell your parents you’re safe and will spend the night here, okay?”

Eliott looks down at his feet and gives a small nod as if he’s ashamed to be seen like this. Lucas rubs his thumbs back and forth over the warm skin of the backs of Eliott’s hands to tell him _ it’s okay. _

As Lucas turns away to go take a shower, the older boy doesn’t let him because he won’t release his grip on the hand still in reach. Lucas turns back around and looks at Eliott with a fond, open expression. He doesn’t want to let go either. 

He knows what Eliott wants to say before he says it; he can tell just by the warm look in his eyes and the gentle squeeze he gives Lucas’ hand. Eliott swallows, flicking his eyes down for a brief moment before returning them to the blue ones he fell in love with. 

“Thank you. For being there tonight,” he says, and then, quieter: “I love you.”

Lucas brings his free hand up and runs his thumb over the skin under the other boy’s eye. “I love you, too.” 

It’s one of Lucas’ favorite things, when Eliott looks at him and they both just stop and stare into each other — the window to the soul their bodies are merely vessels for. The world around them disappears, time stops but never feels long enough. They take a moment to hold on to each other just a little longer, exchanging small, soft smiles in the comfort of the room.

That’s next on his list of Eliott favorites. He’s seen and loved that smile of his for years. In all forms, of course, but mostly the ones he manages to bring out. After loud bursts of laughter that make him throw his head back, soft chuckles paired with playful nudges, blinding ones that turn his eyes into half moons. 

But this is one Lucas doesn’t think he’s seen before. One that looks like love — one that looks like love, more than like. It’s only a soft twist of his mouth, where Lucas’ eyes linger longer than he intended. 

They’re closer than he realized and he doesn’t remember either of them moving — almost as if the space between them just collapsed out of its own doing. The slightest tilt of Eliott’s chin is all Lucas needs to make him press his lips to the ones waiting in front of him. 

That’s another thing — kissing Eliott. He’d dreamt about what it would be like, what it would feel like, and still it’s better than he ever could have imagined. There’s plenty of different kinds of them, Lucas would come to learn, each as intoxicating and full of love as the next.

Lucas turns and leaves this time, with a look back at the boy in his bed as he exits the room. He crosses the hall into the bathroom and turns on the shower. Before getting in he takes his phone out of the pocket of his jeans and types with numb fingers.

The stream from the shower is so hot it’s almost cold, as if one extreme will balance out the other to reach equilibrium. The icy burn thaws his frozen skin in the heated moisture. 

He sometimes fears this time alone, isolated from the world on a night like this. The events of tonight run on loop in his head, watching it back with a fine-tooth comb to find where everything went wrong. And what he could have, should have done to stop it, prevent it. 

It’s never good, never productive or fulfilling to do this — because, of course, there’s no way he could have known. And even if he did, there’s no way to know the difference it would have made, for what’s done is done. Making up scenarios and replaying the past hasn’t and will never change anything that has happened. 

And just like everything, it doesn’t stop him from doing it anyway.

The quiet hum of the showerhead and water draining by his feet turn to white noise and a background for his thoughts to run in his mind. Each one getting louder and more viscous. _ How could you not see this coming? Are you that naive to think that since one thing went your way, everything else would too? _ This is why he never gets his hopes up, never expects too much out of anything - it’s easier to be let down a few inches above the ground than a hundred thousand feet. 

But then, what kind of life is that? To never dare to want more, to ask, beg, plead for it; to settle for mediocre when something better is just out of reach? What would he rather: take the chance even if it ends in heartbreak, or not try at all? 

In the end, he’s so glad he did — he took a chance with Eliott and he’s never been happier. Eliott makes him see things differently, makes him want to be better. Makes him want to be brave and not be scared anymore. 

And if Lucas wants to think analytically or mathematically or scientifically, like his mind usually reverts to: it is more likely that things will work out than not. It is the anomaly for most things to go wrong anyway. And if he has faith in the universe like he knows he once did, like his mother once did, like Eliott has been trying to do - then he has to take it in stride. For everything regresses to the mean; the extreme highs and extreme lows will eventually balance out, much like the warmth of the water trailing down his body. This equilibrium, this balance would result in a net of zero, and if you’re lucky, a net positive. And with Eliott — and his best friends and roommates and the rest of his found family he takes for granted sometimes — he thinks he will be just fine. A net positive. 

Lucas tips his head back under the showerhead and finally lets the water wash away the knots in his muscles and melt the stress in his mind. 

Finally warmed, Lucas wraps a towel around his waist and ventures back into his dark bedroom. Eliott is fast asleep and looks so comfy and warm in his bed and he can’t wait to join him. Lucas grabs Eliott’s black hoodie he stole a few weeks ago and slips it on along with clean briefs.

He peels back his side of the covers and reveals his boyfriend wearing his grey Romance hoodie; it’s a little snug on his broad frame, but he still looks perfect. Lucas’ phone vibrates with a notification from where he placed it on top of the Astronomy book.

  
  


Lucas reads the message and smiles at the screen, looks over to Eliott breathing softly, and puts his phone back on the desk and connects the charger.

He climbs into bed and sits up with his head against the wall for a minute. He’s not tired enough to go to sleep just yet — perhaps because of his nap earlier or his brain still managing to run a million miles a minute. 

Lucas thinks about oblivion, and the way Eliott described it earlier that night. He’ll admit: it is scary to think about. But if he’s learned anything in the past few weeks, it’s that what scares you can be something that turns out to be a lot less frightening than you think. 

Before intrusive thoughts try to steal his temporary bliss, he reaches over to grab the book beside him. He flips through the pages until he finds a section that looks intriguing and hasn’t read about yet. The page he lands on compares the different concepts of time on each planet. A few pages later, it falls to the ground as he slips into slumber.

An hour later he wakes with a terrible kink in his neck. Lucas properly lays down on the pillow, Eliott lying close with an arm slung over the other boy’s torso. It makes Lucas smile and his heart bursts in his chest again; it feels too big for his body but still grows whenever Eliott does something cute like this. 

Eliott snugs even closer once Lucas is comfortably settled and rests his head on his chest, rubbing his nose adorably in the fabric of his hoodie. Lucas' hand immediately finds the mess of hair and runs his fingers through it which leaves the other boy in a blissful state of sleep again.

Lucas watches his own hand move through the hair, now noticing the color of it. And, granted, it isn’t well-lit in his room at this time of night, but it looks darker than he remembers. Eliott’s hair dye was semi-permanent, as it turns out. After Halloween he never dyed it back to his natural color, and it had faded some, but still left a muted black-brown behind. Lucas wonders why he hadn’t noticed this before, but he had many other things to think about recently, and he also never got to see the top of his head for he is not tall enough, so he shrugs it off.

As his eyelids get heavier and his movements slow, Lucas joins him in a peaceful night’s sleep. 

  
  


**NOV 15 - LUNDI 07:31**

Lucas wakes the second his alarm goes off and feels well-rested for the first time in a while. Eliott faces him lying just a few inches away; he woke to the sound of the alarm as well.

They give each other sleepy smiles as they come to. Eliott’s eyes still look tired, but not as much as the night before. His face turns blank, like he’s in the middle of trying to remember something. Lucas tries not to worry but wants to stop him before he spirals; he kisses his nose before speaking.

“What are you thinking about?” He says it curiously, openly — but the words seem to undermine his intentions because they feel bitter on his tongue. Perhaps what he meant was _ how are you feeling? _

It has the desired effect, though; Eliott looks up to him fondly and seems to be brought back to the moment. The movement reveals the lines the sheets left on his cheek and Lucas finds it incredibly endearing. Eliott takes a breath before answering.

“Do you ever feel like,” he starts, closing his eyes for a second, like he’s not sure how he wants to say it. “I don’t know, like time is going by really fast but slow at the same time?”

They’re looking at each other now. Lucas considers this, thinking of how he had met Eliott only three years ago, but at times those years feel like decades, and decides that he knows exactly how he feels.

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

“And you find yourself wishing it would go by faster so you can get through something, but also don’t want to miss it?” Eliott’s eyes wander between the sheets and Lucas, like he’s focusing on the words forming but not wanting to miss the other boy’s reaction.

“You sound like Dell,” Lucas deflects and jokes while referencing the movie they watched last week.

Eliott laughs lightly at that, which makes Lucas laugh, too. It’s so good to see him laugh. 

It makes Lucas think of the pages he read before going to sleep. He tries to get the information back in his brain for a moment before adding, “You know, a day on Venus is equivalent to 116 Earth days. And then there’s Jupiter, where days are only 10 hours long.”

He pauses and looks at Eliott, who is completely enraptured and hanging on his every word. It knocks the wind out of him, the weight of his gaze. 

“Sometimes I wish the day would be as short as Jupiter’s or as long as Venus’,” Lucas continues.

“Yeah,” Eliott agrees. He takes Lucas’ hand in his and plays with it as it lays on the soft sheets.

The alarm Lucas snoozed goes off again, forcing reality back into their bubble. He sighs as he rolls over to stop it, feeling a deep hatred for Mondays and the French education system.

“I don’t wanna get up. I just want to spend all day in this cozy warm bed with you,” Lucas groans as he rolls back over.

“Me too.” Eliott moves his hand to rub the other boy's cheek not smushed into the pillow.

The rising sun starts to pour in from the window as the day comes. Lucas shuffles in the sheets, but with no intention of getting out yet.

Then Eliott asks, “You know how Dell said he’s _ a five minutes from now person _, and how when he’s with Kim it decreases minute by minute? Like, four minutes from now, then three, and so on?” 

Lucas nods against his pillow and looks back up to Eliott already looking intensely, seriously at him. Eliott’s hand stops its ministrations on his, their gaze never faltering.

“That’s how I feel when I’m with you.”

And it happens again, that _ heart too big for his chest _ feeling. It also reminds him of what his mother used to tell him when things got bad at home: _ just take it minute by minute _. But he always felt that even one minute was too much sometimes, but also felt like he couldn’t bring himself to only think in that small of an amount of time. Exactly like Eliott said, exactly like he was living both on Venus and Jupiter, and not at all on Earth.

Lucas doesn’t know what to say or do, so he just comes closer and rests his forehead on Eliott’s, then ducks down to plant a kiss on each cheek.

He whispers into the little space between them, “I feel the same way. And I love you, Eli. So much.”

Their lips meet in a soft kiss and Eliott replies with a whispered “I love you, so much, too.”

There are sounds coming from the bathroom and from the kitchen indicating their fleeting time together before school.

“Are you up for going to school today?” Lucas asks as he puts a hand in the pocket of his hoodie - the one on Eliott, that is.

The older boy looks down and away, embarrassed to admit he isn’t.

So Lucas adds, “You can stay here. I wish I could stay with you, but our Bio project is due today and I really can’t miss that.” 

Eliott nods, hopefully feeling better about missing class. He finally looks up at Lucas again, and everything in him wants to say _ fuck his Bio project _and stay. But he also doesn’t want to make Eliott feel worse by doing so, and maybe it’s beneficial to let him rest for a while.

Lucas checks the time, and if he wants to be on time for class, he needs to get up now. He regretfully does, exposing his legs to the cold air as he stands. Eliott watches from the bed and looks at him with a blooming grin like he notices something.

“Is that my hoodie?” he asks playfully.

Lucas looks down at the garment in question as it loosely sits on his shoulders. “You were wearing mine, so.” He crosses his arms and causes the giant sleeves to bunch around his wrists, lifting his chin as if he hadn’t taken the black hoodie weeks ago.

“I’ve been looking for that!” Eliott pokes him in the side. “But whatever, I like yours better.”

Lucas just grins and throws a pillow at him. He uses what is left of his time to put some jeans and shoes on and attempt to make his hair presentable in the bathroom mirror. Before he goes he comes back to his room to say goodbye.

“I’ll see you in approximately one Jupiter day. Love you,” Lucas whispers onto Eliott’s lips before turning to leave. He stops in the doorway for one last glance at Eliott’s sleepy figure; he’s not even left yet but he misses him already.

**09:01**

Imane has her half of the project in a neat pile on her desk when Lucas walks into the classroom. He quickly sits down next to her and proceeds to get his half out of his backpack to turn in.

In his movements to get his papers, something mixed in falls to the tile floor. He doesn’t notice until Imane is reaching for it and comes back up with a dark piece of paper in her hand. She’s looking at it curiously when Lucas finally sees it.

“It fell out of your bag,” Imane offers. Lucas looks at the paper now and can’t help the grin on his lips; it’s the same sky of stars Eliott put in his jeans pocket many nights ago.

“Thanks.” He tries not to blush when he remembers that night.

Imane purses her lips in a knowing smirk, apparently the attempt at hiding his colored cheeks was a failed one. The teacher calls for their attention as class begins.

When the bell rings an hour later, Imane is quick to interrogate.

“Okay, spill. Who’s making Lucas Lallemant blush like that at 9 in the morning?” she asks, raising a curious brow.

Lucas rolls his eyes and pink returns to his cheeks. He takes a deep breath and a certain boy’s words echo in his head: _ it gets a little easier every time _. He holds the stars in his hands and looks down at them and away from Imane. “Eliott.” 

He looks back to her once the deed is done and she meets him with the signature pleased Imane look, with a loving smile on her face.

  
  


**11:36**

Lucas has lunch with the gang and he eats despite the queasy nervous feeling in his stomach. He’s not necessarily nervous about coming out to them, not really. There’s just a lot riding on this, his friends are really his family and he can’t bear to lose them. 

Yann must see the turmoil he’s putting himself through and nudges their knees together under the table. Basile and Arthur are busy laughing at some dumb joke that only they find funny.

“Ça va?” 

It takes Lucas a second to register the question. He nods unconvincingly, and all of a sudden the bell rings signaling that their lunch period is over.

  
  


**12:19**

His math class is especially boring today; his mind keeps wandering and he can’t stop thinking about how Eliott is doing. Eliott didn’t seem to be showing signs of an episode, but Lucas’ brain is hardwired for worry as the default. Lucas doesn’t want to assume or make a big deal of something that’s not really anything to begin with; Eliott is allowed to have off days, he’s allowed to feel overwhelmed like every other teenager. Before Lucas writes up an entire summary on his head he sneaks his phone under the desk to text him.

It seems like a natural pause in the text convo so he pockets his phone before he gets in trouble and returns his attention to the teacher at the board, but he doesn’t retain any information from the lesson.

Lucas was looking forward to seeing Eliott after school, but all he wants is what’s best for him, and that’s probably being at home with his family now. 

Besides, it’s just one Earth day. And he thinks he can wait that long.

**NOV 16 - MARDI 08:11**

Lucas and Basile are leaning up against the wall outside one of the school buildings waiting for Yann and Arthur to come back from the cafeteria. 

“Salut,” a familiar voice says.

Lucas turns to it immediately, his face practically splitting open with a grin. He meets Eliott halfway and brings his hands up to pull their faces together in a kiss.

“Salut,” Lucas greets once they pull away from each other, still lingering in each other’s space.

Arthur coughs and Lucas’ attention is brought to two sets of wide eyes and Yann in the middle of eating a donut. Lucas panics for a moment, there and gone in a flash.

“Um, guys, you know Eliott,” he says tentatively. Eliott tries to bring some comfort in a soothing rub between his shoulder blades. It works; Lucas lets his body relax as he exhales deeply. “Well, he’s kind of my boyfriend.”

He locks eyes with Yann, who gives him a tight-lipped smile where a bit of frosting dusts the corners. Arthur and Basile’s jaws are on the floor as they take in the new information.

“That’s great, dude.” Yann pats Lucas on the shoulder and goes in for a bro handshake-hug with Eliott, who is happily surprised at the gesture.

“Lucas, you’re gay?” Basile asks quietly.

Lucas just rolls his eyes fondly. “Yeah, I am.”

Arthur looks to have come back down to Earth now, repeating Yann’s move to congratulate them with hugs.

Basile shakes his head slightly. “Damn, it’s so not fair.”

Arthur and Yann shut him down immediately, “Baz, what the fuck?”

“No! I mean— I think it’s awesome! And he’s hot, good job Lucas.” Basile covers.

The other boys all share looks and can’t help but laugh at their idiot friend.

“What I meant was, like, it’s not fair that you’re good at talking to girls _ and _ guys, too, apparently. I’m not kidding about you needing to teach me,” Basile adds, a bit of desperation in his voice.

“We’ll see what we can do.” Lucas turns his head to Eliott after he says this, not at all surprised that Basile’s pleading worked on him.

Eliott looks at him after a second then plants a kiss on his cheek, which flames under the affection. Yann, Arthur, and Basile all look at them with knowing smiles; Lucas feels the butterflies in his stomach disappear.

  
  


**15:38**

“What’s this?” Eliott asks as he picks up two boxes laid on the table in front of him.

Lucas shrugs, turning shy. “I thought we could get your natural hair back. Not that I don’t love this tall, dark, and handsome thing you have going.” He rakes a hand through Eliott’s messy hair.

Eliott chuckles, “Alright. Let’s do it.”

They move into the bathroom where Eliott sits on the closed toilet lid and Lucas starts opening and removing the contents from the boxes of dye. After mixing the powder and bleach together, Lucas goes to paint the product all over Eliott’s hair.

As the bleach sets, they eat pizza in the kitchen. Lucas sits on the counter and swings his legs back and forth as he watches Eliott finish up his overdue assignment from being absent. He catches himself staring at the ridiculousness of the dye very messily applied and the bright green towel he fastened around Eliott’s neck to protect his clothes. Eliott stays focused on his assignment, tongue sticking out in concentration and typing fast on the keyboard. 

The timer goes off on Lucas’ phone indicating it’s time to wash out the bleach. Eliott sits on a chair in the bathroom and leans his head back into the sink where Lucas runs warm water over his head from an old plastic cup.

“There, no more Tom Riddle.” Lucas runs the towel over the now yellowish locks.

Eliott turns in the chair to get a look.

“Now I just look like Draco Malfoy.” Eliott smiles at Lucas in the mirror.

Lucas mixes the next concoction that matches the natural tone of Eliott’s hair and repeats the steps.

“Would you still date me if I had bleached blond hair?” Eliott asks as he looks up to Lucas standing above him.

“Of course I would, baby. Besides, maybe in another universe your whole thing is the platinum hair leather jacket-wearing cool guy who sweeps me off my feet.”

Eliott laughs before he stands to kiss Lucas.

*

After about half an hour of talking and laughing about random things in the bathroom, the timer goes off again and Lucas repeats the rinse before Eliott’s hair is back to the honey-brown it should be.

Some water gets in Eliott’s eye when Lucas was too busy laughing at Eliott quoting Charles from _ Brooklyn Nine-Nine _ when he says _ washing your lover’s hair is the most intimate thing you can do with your fingers _. 

Lucas even uses the blow dryer to finish up, and it looks just like it did before Halloween.

“Eliott, it’s good to have you back.” 

  
  


**17:09**

  


Eliott sits with his legs criss-crossed on the couch. “Okay, Lallemant. Show me what you’ve got.” He slaps his hands on his knees and turns his body to face his boyfriend sitting next to him, a faux serious looking crease between his brows.

“I have a few options and I think I know which one you’ll pick, but here goes.” 

Lucas holds out an index finger indicating Option Number One. “_ The Adjustment Bureau _ .” Then a second finger for, “ _ Jumper _ .” And finally, a third, “ _ Interstellar _. But that one’s really long so it’s either both of the first two or just that one for tonight.”

Eliott puts on a thinking face and scrunches up his nose as he considers the titles as if they are insurance plans. Lucas takes one of his hands in his own and kisses it while he thinks.

“Well, I haven’t seen either of the first ones, so let’s watch those.” Then he plants a kiss on Lucas’ hand.

“Really? That’s it?” Eliott gives him a confused look. “I mean, no _ I’m the only one with taste in this relationship, _nothing?” Lucas questions.

His boyfriend just shrugs and settles into the couch again. “We’ll see, we haven’t watched the movies yet,” Eliott snides, which earns him a poke in the stomach before Lucas gets up to retrieve the snacks and remote.

*

When both movies are over, the room is dark and quiet as night takes on. 

“Okay, I’m ready for your expert opinion on these knock off versions of _ Inception _.” Lucas admits his film taste is not of the Palme d’Or variety, but that’s what having a best friend and boyfriend like Eliott is for. He sits up from his comfortable position where he was leaning into Eliott’s chest to look at him.

“My expert opinion, huh? Okay,” Eliott plays along, looking quite pleased at the praise. “I really liked the last one, _ The Adjustment Bureau. _Do you think there’s something like that in real life?” 

“What, like an organization that makes sure everything goes to plan?”

“Yeah.”

Lucas considers this, twisting his mouth in thought.

“I don’t know. I mean, I guess I believe in free will but I think there’s also things that will happen no matter what you choose,” he answers.

“You think so?” Lucas nods. “Like what?”

Lucas plays with the hem on Eliott’s shirt that peeks out of the bottom of his hoodie. He can’t fathom a universe where he and Eliott don’t end up together, doesn’t even think it could ever exist. He refuses to give it any mind. And he has faith in this vast and terrifying and comforting universe; he chooses to.

“Like, you and me,” Lucas says quietly. He avoids Eliott’s eyes as long as he can before looking up to see that smile again. The smile that looks like love.

Eliott cradles Lucas’ face in his hands like it is the most precious thing in the world. He slowly leans in before pressing their lips together for a soft, lingering kiss. It makes Lucas’ head spin and he has to blink a few times to come down from it.

Eliott keeps his gentle hold on the sides of his face and touches their foreheads together for a tender moment that feels like a lifetime. When he pulls back and lets his hands drop down to rest on Lucas’ knees in front of him, he chuckles before his next sentence.

“And if we weren’t, I would run faster than Matt Damon to escape them with you.” He references the climax of the film they just watched and Lucas’ face lights up as he smiles and laughs. And he gives Eliott a new one, too - his own smile that he’s sure looks like love.

  
  


**NOV 18 - JEUDI 16:08**

“Hello?” Eliott answers his phone while they’re sitting on the bus back to his place. Adriano’s name was on the screen before he accepted the call.

Lucas keeps Eliott’s other hand trapped between both of his in his lap. He can’t hear Adriano on the other line so he only gets one side of the conversation.

“What? Really?” Eliott asks, excited but hesitant.

Lucas involuntarily looks up at him with a crease in his brow, but the other boy is too focused on listening to see it.

“That’s— I can’t believe it.” Some more talking from Adriano and then: “Wow, okay. I’ll see you on Saturday, then! Yeah, bye.” 

Eliott hangs up and turns to Lucas, his face beaming and radiating with joy, like love of a different kind, but just as beautiful.

“So? What did he say?” Lucas is quick to ask.

Eliott takes a second to absorb the whirlwind of emotions Lucas can see running across his face. “So you know that scholarship you wanted me to apply for but I thought I wouldn’t get it?”

Lucas remembers; he remembers the tensing of his muscles as he walked by his side after that meeting, remembers how much he beat himself up about it. 

“Yeah?” he confirms, in between confident and worried.

“Well, I applied, and I’m one of the winners.”

Lucas releases Eliott’s hand in favor of wrapping both arms around him instead. “Eliott, that is so great. I knew you would get it!” he says to the skin on his neck.

They return to their position side by side. Eliott’s cheeks flush at the complement and it’s about the cutest thing Lucas has ever seen. 

“So what’s on Saturday?” Lucas asks.

“There’s going to be a kind of showcase for the applicants and then a ceremony for the winners I guess.”

“A showcase, like, showing your film?” Lucas asks although the answer seems quite obvious.

“Yeah. You wanna come?” 

“Of course I do, the wait has been killing me,” Lucas exaggerates as he clutches his chest.

Eliott laughs that beautiful, bright laugh and they reach their stop.

  
  


**NOV 19 - VENDREDI 17:53**

  


**NOV 20 - SAMEDI 12:30**

The applicants for the scholarship and a few other faculty members from the program are in the main theater setting up for the showcase. The stage is framed by a plush red curtain and there is a screen propped up in the center. A woman with a headset is setting up a microphone stand and two men are at the soundboard adjusting the levels.

“Eliott, Lucas, how are you?” Adriano is wearing semi-formal clothes and is carrying a clipboard — he seems to be one of the people in charge of the event. 

“Nervous, I guess.” Eliott answers on the exhale.

Lucas squeezes his hand. It’s faint, but he feels a small squeeze in response.

“There’s nothing to be nervous about. You don’t even have to talk, really. You already did most of the talking in your submission, so,” Adriano assures him. His name is called by another person with a clipboard and he goes to them. “I’ll see you guys later!”

Eliott lets go of Lucas’ hand and wipes his clammy palms on his pants. Lucas can basically feel his nerves shaking out of his body.

“It’s okay,” Lucas ushers them to sit in the plush theater seats. 

The screen on the stage is illuminated by the projector, a bright blue screen as the system starts up. The blue reflects off of the sharp lines of Eliott’s profile where Lucas sits next to him.

“The scary part is over, right? I mean, you got the scholarship. And I’m right here,” Lucas tries.

“Yeah, I know.” Eliott offers a sincere smile before turning forlorn again. “It’s just— the film. It means a lot to me and I want people to understand it. They don’t have to like it, or think it’s any good, because it’s just a rough animation. I don’t know why I’m overthinking all of this, it’s stupid.”

“Hey, it’s not stupid,” Lucas repeats the same words he heard from Eliott only weeks ago. “And it’s obviously good, and people are going to like it. You won the damn contest, Eliott, no boyfriend bias here because I haven’t even seen it yet!” 

Eliott’s eyes crinkle with a smile, now lit up by the neutral white light from the projector.

Spectators and more students and faculty fill the remaining seats in the theater as it nears showtime. Eliott was asked backstage for a quick run through and he ends up having to watch from the wings before they introduce him. 

Lucas can see Eliott in the wings from his seat standing next to Adriano who seems to be talking to him and calming him down. Lucas had told him to take it minute by minute and to look for him if he got nervous.

The lights dim and the theater quiets. The program director makes an introduction and then gets right into showing some films. Some are like music videos, some feel like a trailer for a feature film, some are silly and some are deep. All of them look well-made and creative.

Eliott’s name and film title are presented near the end; Lucas' heart feels like it’s going to burst through his chest. 

Eliott shows up on the screen and he says, “_ Polaris _is a story about two characters and a tunnel. One is a guy and the other, well, it could be a girl, a guy, or a creature. We don’t really know, it doesn’t matter. We don’t know because they never come out of the tunnel as they are scared of the light. And then there’s the hero, who’s afraid of the dark.”

Lucas watches the screen, completely enraptured by Eliott’s voice and the passion of it. 

“They can’t meet because they are too scared of the other’s world. They end up talking from the borders of their worlds, without ever having to see each other. They talk every day, get to know each other, and realize they have fallen in love without seeing the other once.”

“So will they ever meet? See each other?” a voice asks off-screen.

“Not unless one of them gets over their fear and goes into the other’s world.”

Beautiful piano music starts to build as Eliott’s figure disappears and is replaced with a black and white animated storyboard illustrating a man and a creature coming together, where they finally kiss and embrace. 

It hits Lucas like a ton of bricks, all the intense emotions this short film makes him feel. The name, after the North Star, Eliott’s favorite. The light that is on its way, that drives out the dark. Being too scared to come out of your world and into another. 

Lucas knows what it’s like to be stuck in the dark for so long that it ends up being comfortable. It doesn’t seem so bad after a while once you forget how good being in the light is. It makes what you once longed for your biggest fear, afraid of anything that isn’t what you’re used to.

He knows what it’s like to take that fear and let it consume you until you decide to make a change, to be brave enough to escape a world you have grown to fear no longer. He was scared of the light, scared of what could be on the other side. All it took was a glimpse of that light, in any form it came. His light has always been Eliott and he would do anything to find his way to him. 

Lucas knows what it feels like to take that step crossing the invisible line that separates his world from another. He ventured out of the dark and into the light when he finally told Eliott that he loved him, and they too kissed like the characters in the film.

Lucas sits there completely still as the credits roll and the audience applauds. He doesn’t notice the tears in his eyes until they cloud his sight of Eliott standing in the wings then being introduced on stage. Lucas doesn’t hear anything that was said after the music quieted, missing all praise he’s sure Eliott is being given by the directors.

Eliott accepts a certificate and poses with faculty members for a quick photo, then is suddenly sitting next to Lucas. 

Lucas is taken back to Earth when he feels a hand in his, fingers lacing together like they were meant to be in such a position. 

“So? What did you think?” It’s barely a whisper because the next film is being screened.

Lucas is at a loss for words for none of them are strong enough to express how he feels, no combination of letters and phrases seem appropriate for either the new or primal emotions filling his every atom. 

The best Lucas can do at the moment is press his lips to the other boy’s and hope that it’s enough to communicate his answer. It’s soft and brief, they are in a theater full of people, after all. 

They lock gazes and stare into their own reflections in the other’s glossy eyes, opening the window to their souls even in the darkness of the space. Lucas looks directly into the light that will never go out - no matter how much it may dim - into the light that is always in the eyes of the boy he loves.

  


*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> et fin! thank you SO much for reading, this was my first au/chaptered fic so i would love to hear what you thought of it!  
here is the [masterpost of this fic on tumblr](https://luxandobscurus.tumblr.com/post/615091873580761088/tessellate-elu-chaptered-30k-complete-or), and it would be so awesome if you reblogged and shared!  
and feel free to follow me on tumblr and we can chat fic things or skam france things!! [@luxandobscurus](https://luxandobscurus.tumblr.com/) :)


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